Feeling like me again…

I was chatting with my sister on my way home from work this afternoon. As I was pulling into the driveway the older neighbor couple was walking on the sidewalk toward my driveway. They are such a lovely couple as she always has treats for Phoebe (my dad’s mini schnauzer) and her husband is a kind as can be. They always have a kind word and beautiful smiles to share. After showering Phoebe with treats, Phoebe and I went inside. I hung up my keys, kicked off my shoes and took a long hot shower.

After getting out of the shower I put on some music. I was listening to Sturgill Simpson as I was doing my facial routine. I love his music because I believe he writes from the feelings of his life and he isn’t afraid to share them. I don’t know this artist personally but I have to say there is something about a man who is able to freely share his feelings whether they are good, bad or insecure. In my eyes it is a sign of being whole, of not being afraid to be human and not being afraid to be vulnerable. To be able to be vulnerable is a sign of maturity and growth. Who are we if we stay stagnant in our feelings? We are the same story, different day. But to be able to grow, share, express, feel and acknowledge our feelings to our own self is beautiful and to be able to do all that with someone else is life changing.

I was listening to Sturgill I found myself dancing around my bathroom as I was cleansing and moisturizing. I have not done that in a long time. I got a sense of carefreeness and I really haven’t felt that in a very much longer time. To sing and dance and take care of my skin was fun and it made me smile. I haven’t smiled in the mirror since my sweet momma passed away in February. Her and I have the same mouth and same slightly crooked smile. When I look in the mirror I see her and it has been too painful. Today I smiled, danced and sang. It felt really good, I felt a little more like myself this afternoon.

I have been meditating a little everyday, a couple of times a day since my last post a few days ago. Taking the time to sit, be still, listen and let go has been so helpful. I find myself more peaceful through out my day and happier as well because I cultivated some time for myself.

To the people who are caregivers out there, the ones who set aside their own life for a little or a long while to give to, take care of and encourage others…I understand and love you. No one knows what it is like to be you. No one knows the conflicting thoughts you have about wanting to live your own life and being there for loved ones like you do. All our thoughts are different yet connected. I can only act on my own conscious. I never wanted to give up on nor stop encouraging my momma. I told my dad I would stay for a year and that year is almost up. Life is not the same. Hopefully the future will hold love and memories and be open for new adventures of love and exploration.

Reflections of my family. (San Francisco 2009)


“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.”

~Mother Teresa

If it feels good, why don’t I do it more?

Today is Christmas. I am not going to get into the mood of the day or emotions of this past year. I just want to figure out something.

I stress around the holidays a little more than usual. My mind goes awry with all that needs to be done with gifts, family logistics and a grieving dad (that I am living with for two more months) and job that has crazy hours. EVERY single day I feel my body tense up in a way that is screaming for help. My neck is stiff, my upper back is like a wall of stone, my lower back is begging to be stretched, my legs are not too bad but my hip flexors are NOT flexible! My body is a wreck and on top of all that I have Let. It. Go. I mean seriously let it go. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I cannot even recognize the person looking back at me. She has to be someone else because when she looks back at me she says, “Ummmm, who the hell are you?!” The only thing that still looks good and is still the same as a few years ago is my hair and that is because I pay someone else to take care of it! Lol….

Getting back to tonight and the reason for this post. I came into the spare bedroom that I made into a yoga/meditation room. When one walks into this room they see long flowy pieces of driftwood that go from floor to ceiling in the far corners. Curtains that fall whimsically to the floor have softs corals and beautiful flowers. The little nightstand in the corner hugging one of the pieces of driftwood is a soft white and has a drawer with seahorse pulls. On top of the nightstand sits an aroma therapy candle, a beautiful cedar box with yoga toes, essential oils, smaller pieces of driftwood, a singing bowl, sand grains from India that a former lover gave me, a rock in the shape of a heart and plate with sage to burn. In the middle of the rooms lays a yoga mat, a meditation pillow and a foam roller. This room has all that is needed to relax, unwind and move my body.

I have always wanted a room like this and I feel amazing when I am in here. I feel most at peace when I am sitting upon my meditation pillow and letting the cares just roll off my shoulders. When I am in this room I often bring in a hot cup of tea and just sit in silent giddiness because I am so happy to be there in that moment.

When I do yoga in here I am grateful that I have the space to spread out and move my body freely.

So what I need to figure out is:


More importantly, why am I not doing what makes me feel good more often? Granted these past few years have been stresssssful and when I am stressed I’d rather just go to bed or go sit in the park with a bean burrito and a bean soft taco supreme! I know, I know…it is easier to run and hide with comfort food. But running and hiding with comfort food is a temporary feel good thing and I regret it later because of weight gain and indigestion. Meditation and yoga is long lasting, so why again don’t I choose long lasting over temporary?

I am going to do an experiment starting tonight. I am going to log and track when my stressful mood and feelings hit and why. Then I am going to log and track which path I take in dealing with said feelings. Run and hide or flow and meditate.

(side bar: this is why I buy a daily planner with the month AND the individual days so I can write stuff out day by day.)

I would like to say that I am going to do this for a solid month but who knows. Really I just want to figure out some things and if that takes a week, 3 weeks or a month than so be it.

In two months I know my stress will dissipate dramatically. I know I will have ample amount of time to let feelings of these past few years rise and fall. But I also know that I cannot carry on for two more months like I am now. It is not working.


“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver