Last weekend I went camping with friends. Some of those friends I see on a regular basis, and some I have not seen in a few years. We all sat around a big ol’ fire and caught up with one another. It seemed comfortable, but I wasn’t comfortable. The night was nice and cozy, but I just couldn’t get into the swing of it. At one point, I got up and went on a walk by myself just to get away from everyone. I am still adjusting to the fact that I don’t have to go back to the house, that I no longer have anyone to take care of, and really, that I can just sit back and enjoy myself. I know my folks would want me to get back out there and restart doing things that I absolutely once loved to do.

I’m also getting back to car life. Way back in 2017, I sold or gave away 98% of my stuff and, with the help of a friend, built out a bed in my car and moved in. After my dad’s passing and the sale of the house, I felt an OVERWHELMING feeling to try car life again. To see if I enjoy it as much as I did eight years ago. I still can’t totally decide if I want a van or a tiny home, but right now this is where I need to be. I am on the road, making a way for myself and rediscovering my past love of the outdoors. I have sold a couple of pieces of ultralight-weight gear to beginners, and that is pretty cool. To help outfit a couple of folks who are just starting to discover their own love for backpacking and hiking.

Do I still love it? I thiiiink so. Before, I could not sit still and constantly had to be moving or traveling, and now I feel a little more stillness in my life. I think that is why I may be leaning toward a van (one with a proper stove and oven). I love to cook and bake now. I love the process of it all. I may not be the best at it, but the enjoyment is there, and that’s what I need. The days of quick meals in the car and not caring about nutrition are gone. I need a mobile space where I can make wonderful meals and still satisfy my love of waking up in different places.

I now have Lula that I need to think about too. Car life isn’t conducive long-term for a pup. She needs to be able to get up and walk around the vehicle, stretch out and such. I want her to have an adventurous AND comfortable life.

I am taking it all slow. I have days where I am super excited to be at it again and days where I second-guess it all. I am trying to build a life and grieve at the same time. If anyone has been the caretaker of their parents, then you know it hits different.

The other day I got takeout from Bob Evans and as I was pulling out of the parking lot I just started crying because my dad LOOOOOVED going out to breakfast and lunch. I wish him and I could do that again. Damn it I am crying now. Feeeeck.

I have the dream catchers that my dad bought in 2021 out in Glacier National Park in Montana. One blue with white accents and one white with blue accents, representing the sweatshirts he and my momma were wearing when they met way back in the early 1960’s. I also have one red bird and one blue bird that hang with the dream catchers. The birds were a gift from my amazing coworker. Little did she know that on the Christmas tree each year hung a pretty blue bird (my dad) and a pretty red bird (my momma). Ornaments that my parents bought a long time ago when they were first married.

The dreamcatchers and the birds flow on the wind as I travel. My folks are always with me, on my new, old adventures.

~L

‘Your grief for what you lost lifts a mirror up to where you’re bravely working.”

~Rumi