Sitting in a bar

Sitting in a bar solo while waiting to go see Free Solo. Being solo and doing things solo isn’t so bad. Good things come to those with patience 😉. Be confident and flow with life.

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Backpacking Isle Royale National Park 🏕

We finally made it!

This is the first adventure that I let myself go on in 11 months! That means I have been overly cranky because I’m normally used to being on some kind of road trip/camping/backpacking adventure about once a month. I was getting to be a not nice person and quite honestly I was starting to feel numb. In my previous blog post I wrote about how much my chi was blocked and about how my creativity had come to a standstill. So let me tell you dudes that I needed this trip! I needed this trip like I need air… so not even kidding!

Not even a bum foot could keep me from going! I suffered a foot injury in June and thought it would heal on its own and decided not to do anything about it. As Isle Royale was quickly approaching in September I chose to ignore it even more because I did not want to not go on this trip. So I went and I took vitamin I, a.k.a. ibuprofen, every single day… LOL! Nothing was going to stop me from road tripping, boating and backpacking!

The day finally came when I headed down to Columbus, Ohio to meet my cousins and spread out our gear and decide what we were and were not going to take. We left early the next morning and got about 45 minutes north of Columbus when we stopped for gas and my cousin realized that one of his brakes smelled really bad and might’ve been…smoking? So we called his wife and she met us halfway between where we were and their house to exchange cars. After we reloaded our gear into her Subaru we got back on the road and headed north!

Oh my stars… this crew 🤪!!!

I tend to take “adventure hiccups” in stride. After all I’m finally on the open road, we got about 15 hours to drive and really what is 45 minutes in the grand scheme of things? It’s nothing. Sometimes things happen and you just have to roll with the punches. Let it go let it flow and keep moving on. The “hiccup” didn’t set the tone for the trip, it’s just something that happened, it’s fixed, it’s over and we’re moving on.

So we’re driving up north leaving Ohio and going into Michigan and it’s beginning to feel real! I’ve been to the lower part of Michigan before and it’s beautiful, it really is. I mean their football team might be horrible…Go Bucks, but hey no state is perfect. Except Montana. 😋. As we headed out of the lower part of Michigan into the Upper Peninsula that’s when the excitement really started to kick in! We crossed over the Mackinac Bridge and were officially in the UP! Whoop whoop! Dudes, the UP is vast, quiet and has its own kind a beauty separate from lower Michigan. It’s different in the UP. You just feel farther away and more relaxed and that’s amazing. Property in the UP isn’t that expensive and I’ve thought about throwing down a couple thousand for a few acres. I don’t know we’ll see. 🤔

We spent the night at Taquahmenon State Park.

My cousins Bobby and Anne (father/daughter)

We had a decent campsite right across from the river and I went for a swim. The water was chilly for sure but it wasn’t that bad. We sat by the fire and I went to bed early because I am not a night person plus I did not have any beer or other spirits with me to entice me to stay up and sit around the fire. My cousins drove across the way to look at all the stars but I was happy to be in bed after a long days drive.

The next day we packed up and headed further up north and found a hotel room to stay in. Let me tell you about this hotel room… It was straight out of the 70’s. I opened the door and this whiff of what must’ve been some kind of powdered cleaner came wafting out of the room. Quite frankly I was a little put off and really wanted to spend the night in the car but I figured what the hell, hopefully I won’t get bedbugs. I have to be honest though, it was quite comfortable and I’m happy to report I don’t have bedbugs!

We left the hotel super early the next morning and made our way up to Copper Harbor which is almost the very tip of the Upper Peninsula. It’s a little town but it’s quite picturesque with it restaurants and boats bobbing around. We dropped off our gear and the crew loaded it onto the ferry and we boarded the boat for the 55 mile journey across Lake Superior.

I’m not gonna lie I was kind of nervous about such a long boat ride because it takes three hours. I even read the complete story of the Edmund Fitzgerald and everything that happened and why it sank near Whitefish Point on Lake Superior. I was that in my head about it. Lake Superior actually has its own weather system. It is the deepest, biggest and coldest freshwater lake on the planet. But I couldn’t of lucked out more than I did because the ride over was like butter. It was blue skies, calm water and aaaamazing!

There’s only one other time that I was actually on a boat in open water and that was with an old boyfriend on a whale watching tour on the Pacific Ocean just off the coast of Monterey, California. Although that was a smaller boat, it was even more worrisome because the horizon just kept ticking back-and-forth violently. I don’t get motion sickness but like any human I do have a fear of being eaten alive by sharks. Just a side-note: sharks don’t actually want to eat humans and rarely do even bite humans. Sharks I love you and you’re an amazing species! I’d actually like to swim in open water with you one day…on purpose!

After the three hour boat ride we landed at Rock Harbor on Isle Royale. Finally we made it! I was so stoked dudes! We listened to the ranger give a talk to the backpackers about the do’s and don’ts of the island. After that we bought any last minute snacks that we wanted, got our permits to actually be on the trail and we set off. Oh wait…before we started on the trail we weighed our packs because they have a weighing station which I thought was pretty cool. My pack with 32 pounds. It weighed more than what I wanted it to but hey, it’s OK. My cousin Bobby weighed his pack and it weighed 58 pounds. His daughter and I tried to talk him out of some of the weight but him being an ex marine and wanting to be prepared for everything, well it weighed him down and greatly affected his journey.

From Rock Harbor we headed east along the coast and it was quite a rocky start to our trip. I mean it was literally rocky! The scenery was gorgeous as we climbed the rocks and peered across the sparse pinetrees out into the vast open blue of Lake Superior. I stopped to take a picture of the scenery and for the first time in 11 months I felt euphoric, alive and very happy! I felt like I was back home as in back home in the happy place in my soul. ☺️

A view from the first leg of our journey!

We headed east to Three Mile campground and then just past it we hung a right and headed up toward the ridge to Mount Franklin. The highest elevation on the island it’s only about 1300 feet so it’s not that much of a climb. My awesome friend Matty Poptart lent me his ultra lightweight Zpack backpack and it was a godsend! I’m actually going to invest the $325 and get one. It was on this trip that I realized how much stuff I used to carry that I never actually needed.

We ran into a ranger and he checked our permit and then we headed back up toward the ridge. As we crested the ridge to Mt. Franklin I turned around. The birds-eye view of the lower lying island and the blue waters of Lake Superior appeared out of nowhere. There was a nice breeze up top and I took off my pack and plopped down for a little bit. With the sun on my face and a breeze blowing across my sweaty body I knew the climb was worth it.

We hiked down off the ridge to the north side of the island. We encountered dense brush but luckily there were narrow boardwalks to get us across these wide and sometimes incredibley dense marshes. You are able to back country camp but you have to bushwhack your way through the terrain and let me tell you you would need a Crocodile Dundee kind machete to do it! We came to rest upon a downed tree to drink some water and have a snack. It was also at this juncture that we came across a beaver dam right in the middle of our trail so we had to divert to the left and go around it to get back on the trail. I think beavers are one of the coolest animals on the planet! At that point I had to trade my tennis shoes in for my hiking boots.

Beavers just doing their thing. Hike around it human!

I cannot stand hiking in hiking boots. I have never found a truly comfortable pair but I’ve always worn them because I felt I had to. It wasn’t until a trip that I was on a few years ago where this one woman was hiking in her tennis shoes. I said, “You’re hiking in tennis shoes?” She said, “Yes! I have way more flexibility and agility in tennis shoes than I ever had with a pair of hiking boots.” From then on I’ve always worn tennis shoes and carried my hiking boots on the back of my backpack in case I needed them. And I needed them to get around the beaver dam so I’m glad that I had them!

After descending the north-east side of the island we came up on Lane Cove. I hiked ahead so I could find a spot for my one cousin and I to set up our tent as we were tent sharing. I found a beautiful spot on the edge of the water and hurriedly set up the tent so no one else could claim the spot. My other cousin, her dad, set up his tent right next to ours.

I may hate tent camping but the views when you wake up are pretty cool

We ended up spending two days at Lane Cove because it took a while for my cousin Bobby to recover from the first day of carrying his 58 pound pack. Taking two days to spend there wasn’t such a bad idea as it was really peaceful and beautiful. After all we just spent 2 1/4 days in the car so it was nice to rest easy for a couple nights and relax.

Of course coffee ☕️ at Lane Cove

Also let me tell you about tent camping. I hate it! The only way I like to tent camp is if I’m with a boyfriend. Somehow snuggling next to someone makes the hard ground a little softer… LOL! It doesn’t matter what type of air pad I use or how I angle the tent whether it’s uphill, downhill or sidehill, I hate it. My back hurts, my neck hurts and I am miserable for the first few nights until my body can adjust to the hard ground. Everything that we read before this trip said that hammock camping was not recommended. Yet at the next campsite over there was a young lady hammock camping! Uggghhhhh!!!!!! I love to hammock camp. You can set it up over water, sway in the night air and your back is fully supported just like you’re in a nice little cocoon!

My cousin Anna taking in the view at Lane Cove

Lane Cove is where I first swam in Lake Superior. Now I knew it was going to be cold but I didn’t realize how cold. I only managed to stay in for about 20 seconds because I thought my limbs were going to fall off like how icicles break off the side of a house! Lol…But it woke me up and it was incredibly refreshing!

After just chilling out and enjoying the scenery of Lane Cove we packed up our packs and headed back up toward the ridge and further east along the Green Stone Ridge trail to the fire tower. The views from the fire tower could never be done justice with pictures from my iPhone. I could’ve stayed up there all day and spent the night up there because it was that pretty. I pretty much had about a 320° view of the island. It was breathtaking, peaceful and just blissful. After I took several pictures and videos from atop the fire tower we descended down the Ojibway trail to Daisy Farm campground.

Atop the fire tower was so much better in person!!!

It was at Daisy Farm that we got to stay in a lean-to for the first time. The great thing about these lean-to’s is that they are screened in because black-fly season up there is just horrific. Luckily we missed black-fly season!

The first thing I did after dropping my bag at Daisy Farm was immediately change into my swimsuit and sprint towards Lake Superior. The hiking that day was sunny, hot and exposed and I was stinky and sweaty.

I of course had my cousin Anna video every time I went swimming in a body of water to prove that I did it. So after we got to the shore I decided that I was going to attempt to run into Lake Superior and immediately immerse myself underwater. That my friends, did not happen! The water at Lane Cove is calm and protected which made it just a tad warmer than the exposed waters along the outlying coastline of the island. As soon as I got up to my calves in this part of Lake superior I immediately ran out and back on shore. My legs were bluish red because it was that cold! It felt like 100 ice picks piercing my legs at the same time! It was insane dudes! But on the second attempt I did it! I walked out there through the ice piercing pain and dunked my entire body because if I didn’t my skin was going to crawl off me because I was that gross from hiking that day! Plus I didn’t want my two cousins to leave me in the lean-to by myself to ferment 🤪.

That night we made some dinner then I headed off to bed. The next morning my two cousins went off on a father/daughter hike to Moskey Basin. I chose not to go with them just because 1. I wanted them to have some father/daughter time on this trip and 2. I just really truly needed a day to myself. I love my family and I love backpacking with friends but sometimes you just want to take in the beauty of a place by yourself….and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I took two naps that day. I also laid on the little shore and sat out on the dock and chitchatted with all the backpackers going to and from the campground. It was a really cool day! At about 4 o’clock that afternoon my cousins came back into camp. Just after they came back to camp a guy came through with a giant and I mean a gargantuan lake trout that he just caught. Normally I don’t like fishing. Once in while I eat fish but I can’t be there when it’s caught because I am just going to throw it back into the water so it can live a happy little swimming life! However this guy said that he was canoeing the island by himself and there’s no way he could eat that whole lake trout. He went back to his camp, filleted it up and divided it up among several backpackers. My cousin put it in a small pan with some salt and pepper and him and I had the most amazing freshwater fish I’ve ever had in my life!!! I think we both kind of hoped the guy would have caught another one the next day but it didn’t happen… Total bummer.

After spending two days at Daisy farm we packed up and hiked four miles to Three Mile campground. We thought about hiking back to Rock Harbor but we didn’t think that we would get a campsite. Good thing that we didn’t because all the campsites were taken. How do I know this? I know this because once we got to Three Mile campground it was about one in the afternoon and I looked at my cousins and I said, “What the heck are we gonna do for the rest the day? It’s only a 3 mile hike to Rock Harbor and at Rock Harbor there are chips, cookies, Diet Coke’s and beer!” We all agreed this was a fabulous idea and so we headed off on a 6 mile round trip hike just so we could get snacks. It was along that hike that we came across Tobin Bay.

We got to watch the sea planes take off and that was pretty cool. It was quiet on that side of the trail and provided a very peaceful hike.

After we went to the visitor center and stocked up on beer, pop, cookies and Doritos we plopped down by the marina just to take in the boats, sun and water. It was there that we saw more wildlife in 15 minutes than we had on our entire trip. We saw a loon up close which was super cool because we’d only seen them from a distance and then we saw a beaver that just swam right up to the dock and underneath it like it was no big deal.

The island is 45×9 miles. There are approximately 1600 moose that inhabit Isle Royale National Park. During our 6 day 5 night stay we did not see one single freakin’ moose! My one cousin claims that he saw the hind end of one but neither his daughter nor I witnessed it so I’m not so sure. 😏. I was disappointed not to see a moose because I had spent 2 1/2 weeks traveling through New England last October and did not see one moose! Although I saw endless “Moose X-ing” signs. What the heck dudes?

After one night at Three Mile campground we packed our bags again and we headed back to Rock Harbor we we originally started out. We weighed our packs at the end of the trip and mine weighed under 32 pounds which made me kind of happy but you’d expect that when you’ve eaten all your food and drank all your water! Hahaha….

We hung out at Rock Harbor and listened to a park ranger give a presentation about the animals on the island. Did you know that Isle Royale has its own species of squirrel. These things are thieves. They don’t care if you’re sitting there eating your dinner as they will brazenly walk right up to you and grab it off your fork!

Finally the time came to when we had to board the boat to head back to the mainland. The first hour and a half of this crossing did not sit well with me. The lake was kind of choppy with 2 to 4 foot waves but to me they felt like 30 to 40 foot waves. Again I don’t get motion sickness but I knew then how cold Lake Superior is and I thought for sure we were going to go down and that my heart would freeze after about 60 seconds of being in the water and I would be a popsicle! I went into the main cabin of the boat and I sat down next to this one gentleman who was sitting alone but with four empty seats around him. I asked if I could join him he said yes as he only had two other friends with him. I put my head on my arms on the table and tried not to think about the boat ride. This sweet guy started making small talk and soon his two friends joined him. His two friends turned out to be his sister and his brother-in-law and they couldn’t have been nicer folks. They were all retired and on this trip together. Julie the lady of the group asked me if I knew how to play euchre. I told her I did not but I was willing to learn and she said great because they needed four people to play. So for the next two hours I played euchre with this fine group of folks and it completely took my mind off the boat ride!

I highly recommend everyone visit Isle Royale National Park. It is the least visited but the most revisited of all the national parks.

You won’t have cell service but you will have your sanity restored!

~Lori

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My chi is blocked man…shoot, everything is blocked…lol

I feel like I’m blocked. I feel like I’m moving forward but my spirit is blocked. I don’t know how to become, unblocked?…

I have been gung ho running towards this dream of buying a van for almost a solid year now. Dudes, a solid year! Last night was the first time that I let myself spend the money and get a hotel room so I could completely sit in silence, by silence I mean turning the cell phone about 8 o’clock, and just sleep. Now and then I’ve stayed with friends and family but it’s not the same.

Housesitting, pet sitting or just staying with friends or family for a few days is NOT the same as giving yourself the gift of alone time.

Seriously last night I Googled how to tell if I was in a rut. I am but I’m not right?. As far as my social life, love life and travel life are concerned I am in a total and complete rut! I’ve been working and working and working and working to pay things off and put money away to buy this van. Dudes it’s like I have tunnel vision.

I was chitchatting with my manager today picking up shifts for next week and she says, “Lori do you really want to work that much? Do you really want to work that many days in a row?” Even she can tell I’ve been burning the candle at both ends!

I lost my groove and creativity. I had a nice hotel room last night and I did not even invite over “the dude” because all I wanted was peace and quiet and sleep. Me too tired to smooch and snuggle? The answer is HECK YES! Dear god something must be wrong with me!… LOL

Not to mention my poor body man! When I get tired I make really super crappy life decisions as far as working out and food goes. I really need to get a grip and realign myself because being healthy, meditating and yoga/workingout on a daily basis is what my career goal is.

Do you ever get so tired to the point where you just start crying? I mean it may be a totally chic thing to do but I’m telling you it’s happened way too often lately! At least three times this past week! 😭. (I can’t even blame on my period 😕)

I have never been one to put forth a ton of effort towards something that does not interest me, just ask my parents… LOL. But when there is something that I really want, holy crap do I go full steam ahead into it! Sometimes when I’m driving down the road I have is out of body experience where I’m beside myself and I can see myself literally driving in my van winding through Utah, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming etc.

So I’ve been ranting for a little bit now so I guess the moral of the story is is that I need to start dedicating time to myself. My van will come in due time but if I don’t tart start taking care myself I’m going to go nuts! 🥜

I’m so going to get a hotel room once a month or once every two months for sure because I cannot believe I didn’t do that earlier!!!

Peace, love and R&R,

~Lori

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Beautiful people and on this beachy sunny Fourth of July! 🇺🇸

I LOVE LOVE LOVE mornings! Dude you kind of have the world to yourself. You get to enjoy everything in relative peace and quiet, at least where I live… LOL! Today I woke up feeling amaaaaaazing! My folks had people over last night for the local fireworks and it was the usual crew of neighborhood friends and family. It was just a really wonderful easy breezy lemon squeezey kind of night. I spent the night at my parents house and actually slept in bed with my momma because her bed is so comfortable and even as I grow older I still love to cuddle with her. Ti amo Momma Gina! 🇭🇺

I awoke this morning and headed down to the lake while listening to my favorite Xavier Rudd singing/playing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyMuW4v3uEw&feature=share

Of course before I headed to the lake I grabbed a cuppa (<—voice text ha!) coffee because somethings are just essential. ☕️. So I pulled into our local 🏖 beach, grabbed my yoga mat and my purse with my brand new smart phone. It’s not really a phone because I just use it as a computer. I cannot text or make calls from it! I still have my trusty old flip phone and I love it….still.! So I moseyed out onto some rocks, laid out my yoga mat, pointed my body towards the sun and had a solid healthy dose of at least 20 to 30 minutes of awesome meditation and it was on believable. As I thanked the universe for it’s kindness and the love that surrounds everyone I opened my eyes gently to the sun glistening upon the water. I got out my camera a.k.a. new smart phone and I took a ton of pictures.

Pictures of birds, pictures of people, pictures of the water as it was all just lovely.

In the spirit of this Fourth of July holiday I’m going to share some pictures of this beautiful little community in this wonderful amazing country! I hope you all have an amazing, safe, kind, beautiful and Happy Fourth of July! 🇺🇸🌎✌🏻

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Walk Away….

I think I’ve reached a place where I’m no longer satisfied with group outings that circle around hiking, kayaking and then sitting around a fire drinking having superficial conversations. I like my friends but I’m craving LIFE. I’m craving a life filled with deeper meaning and deeper experiences and deeper conversations. I’ve already let go of a group that was kind and welcoming because for me it was no longer exciting or stimulating. Not that they aren’t great people because they are.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s me that doesn’t fit into the social norm. Why can’t I be satisfied with a regular group of people that are wonderful.

Right now I’m staring through the tree canopy into the evening sky wishing I was somewhere else.

I dream of a bigger life that is lived and not just visited.

This song by Xavier Rudd says it’s all.

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Most Asked Questions about Car Life!

What’s up folks?! It is a beautiful sunny Friday afternoon and I am writing this from the marina in Rocky River Reservation! I was hoping to rent a kayak today and get out on the water but 41 Degrees North does not officially open unti tomorrow. Sooooo totally bummed dudes!!!

So I had a wonderful opportunity to speak at my friend Linda’s meetup group last weekend! There were plenty of nice folks with tons of great questions. So lets dive right in!

The most asked question:

Q. Where do I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night?

A. Um, in the almost nine months I have been doing this I have yet to go number 1 or 2 in the middle of the night. I usually stop drinking liquids aboout 2 hours before I go to bed and if I am parched and need to drink it will be around 5 ounces max. Just enough to quench my thirst!

Q. Where do I shower?

A. I have a gym membership at Planet Fitness and I can use any one of thier gyms anywhere in the country. My gym opens at 5am so when I wake up I just drive on over and use the bathroom, workout and then shower!

Q. Where do I get my mail and how do I file taxes and renew my passport?

A. I have a UPS address that I use. This allows me to have a street address with a unit number. I filed my taxes this year and did not have any issues.

Q. What about privacy?

A. At night I have little curtains that I hang up. I also had my windows professionally tinted to have more privacy.

Q. Where do I park?

A. When I am out roadtripping: I park at rest stops, campgrounds, BLM land (Bureau of Land Management) and side streets in little towns.

When I am in Cleveland and working I park in friends or families driveways especially if I get off of work at 11:30 pm and am too tired to drive. I will also go out to the turnpike and sometimes hotel parking lots. I have not parked in a Walmart parking lot. lol…

Q. Do I have a CCW (concealed weapon).

A. No I do not. I have bear spray and if you have ever used bear spray it is really hard to miss the target and it is totally debilitating!

Q. What about my love life?

A. I don’t hide my lifestyle from guys. They either accept it or they don’t. And as far as inimacy goes…it doesn’t happen in my car!!!!

Q. What do I do in the winter when it is really cold?

A. This past winter I slept in my car on the coldest of nights! I have a really great sleepin bag and sleep system in general. That is the key to staying warm and toasty! That and a knitted/fleece lined hat! I DO NOT keep my car running. I warm it up and then turn off the engine!

Q. Am I tired of it yet?

A. That is a Heck no! I love it. I love the freedom it brings and the minimalist lifestyle.

Q. What am I going to do about the summer heat?

A. This one I am still working on. Right now I have a few more weeks of cooler night so I have time to figure it out. I’d like to set up a three month permanent camp somewhere.

Q. What do I do about food?

A. I was never a big cook to begin with. I would do eggs and veggie burgers but that is about it. When I am in Cleveland I go to the market just about every day for fresh fruits and veggies,. When I am traveing I pack a cooler. I do brew coffee though as that is quick and easy and neccesary! lol

That is all of the questions I can think of rigt now. If you have any more please feel free to ask in the comment section of this post!

Peace, love and bubbles

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.?

Henry Wadswort Longfellow

How Strong the Grass Grows

The blades were course and new. They were curved, arcing just before the top narrowed into a fine point. And although the the blades were course with the newness of spring, in bunches they were soft to the touch on the soles of my feet. Rich, soft blades drenched in green from the sun, rain and earth. The blades of grass make an earthly blanket so soft that it feels like heaven.

The grass gave way to the trees as if they, in a unified force were thrusting the trees upwards towards the sky chanting “Grow, grow, grow strong trees for the forest needs you!” The trees grew strong with the help of the forest. Branches began to sprout buds and the buds blossomed into flowers, leaves and food. The trees stood proud and gave renewed life to the birds, squirrels, other beautiful beings puttering in, out and about its entirety.

To be cont…

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Driving towards the Sun

Even though I was on the road for a total of 17 hours this weekend I got into my car this morning to drive to work and as I headed east on the high-way I loved the feeling of having the windows down and my arm dangling out the window into the wind and watching the sunrise. Dudes it is these tiny moments that just make me feel so great! I got to watch the sun come up, planes come into land at the airport, other people driving to work busy with their mornings and even though the world was busy the sun just did its thing and the world just kept turning and I just kept being happy!

So drive on towards the sun everyone and smile towards the sky!

~L

” Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to thing.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Year of Confidence

I am a pretty confident person in many ways. I am not afraid to speak my mind. I am not afraid to stand up for someone else nor myself when the time calls for it. I have had dreams that I made come true. I have been places and done things that most people would never dream to do out of fear of the unknown. But, for as many things that I am confident in there is an equal amount that I am not confident in. Let me let you in on what makes me feel small and hiding the background.

This is my list in no particular order.

Men.

Men that I am interested in because I feel that when they get to know me, all of me, they will be disappointed in the fact that I am still a women who wants to be loved inspite of all her scars and insecurities. I am an adventurer but there are times when my confidence is low and I want a man to be there to hold me and tell me it is going to be alright.

Money.

I grew up in a family that was solid and loving but we lived paycheck to paycheck. I am very intimidated by money. I do not make a lot of money. In fact I started a small organizing business and felt guilty charging clients what numerous sources said I should be charging so I low-balled myself by $25/hr. I know what it is like to need something and not be able to afford it whether it is a specific item or service. I also believe that if I don’t have a lot of money then it will keep me from becoming greedy. I have a fear of having money.

Being my best physical healthy self.

This one boggles me as I love to be active but for some reason I hide behind a few extra layers because if they aren’t attracted to me then they cannot hurt me and leave me so why bother trying. I figure if a guy doesn’t want to date me then what will a double scoop of Mitchell’s icecream hurt? This is by far my worst defense mechanism.

I am not writing these things because I am wanting pity. I am writing these things because I have never said them out loud to anyone, let alone myself. I am going to give myself a Mulligan on these first 4 months and start ab ovo (<—to start over.) From this moment forward I am going do my best to better my self esteem and relationship with my physical self, money and men.

Spirtually I have grown so much over the last 5 years. I feel like I am in wonderful spiritual place where I am ready to tackle the issues that I believe are holding me back a little and the ones I would like to do much better in.

When your spiritual self is solid other things become clearer.

Much peace, much love and many bubbles of confdence,

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow