Dreams I had 5 years ago did not pan out the way I had hoped but that is par for my life’s course. My five year plan of traveling in a van and making a living working remotely for a good company or for myself, morphed into something so completely different. I mean the plan started off great until “life” kicked in and then it was no longer my dream but my reality that I had to comes to terms with. With that said I tend to take them, meaning the universes alternate routes, in stride and learned to quit questioning the its plan for me. During the daylight hours I am bright eyed and optimistic. I am a dreamer who is hopeful and determined. At night though, once in a while the doubting demons creep in and I think I have made a series of wrong decisions. That I should be married with children going to soccer games and vacationing in Myrtle Beach or Florida. NOT that there is anything wrong with that. But as time presses on I question my path. Who doesn’t?! Lol…
Dudes I am not mad about my plans being shifted by the universe. I was able to be places that I needed to be and spend time with my family in ways I could not even fathom I would. I was present to make critical decisions and beyond fortunate enough to work with the most AMAZING and SUPPORTIVE coworkers throughout the most difficult time in my life thus far. Seriously if it wasn’t for them my mothers death would have been even more difficult to handle and to process.
So here I am at the tail end of my five year plan and it is going to be extended by another 6 months. I mean heck why not?! Barring any family health emergencies I am going to make this happen. Spring is my favorite time of year and it is when I leave to embark on a new journey, come hell or high water.
Please for the love of everything in your big giant heart please let me enter this next phase of life unhindered by trials and tribulations. If you do need to throw something in my path can it be completely beneficial in the most positive and happiest of ways.
I am not ready to share that journey yet, however I have started working towards it. I set myself up with a goal (no longer using the word plan around here) and a job that will allow me the freedom to achieve said goal. I am starting my third week of working toward the goal and I feel really really good. 🙂 It is nice to be back into the swing of things. To feel uplifted, to have something to look forward to and not be so depressed.
Let’s talk about that shall we? I do believe I was suffering from a little depression after my mom died and it lasted about 16.5 months. I attempted new things that I normally would have found interesting. I singed up for courses that I was SURE would help me ‘snap out of it” but nothing worked. I slept away more days than I care to admit. I felt comatose at times because I felt like I had zero direction and no one to turn to. I admit that I had my sisters to talk to and once in a while my brother but there was really no talking to my dad. Every time I would share what I was going through or feeling I would inevitably have to make way for his feelings when all I really needed to have was someone hear me. The thing is is that we were all trying to handle my mother’s death the best we could. With no one to really lean into, a man to hold me at night and tell me everything is going to be okay, I sunk into a depression that like it or not, only I was going to get me out of.
One day I was searching online for a strength training program that was not a thirty day-er but longer so I could see results over time. I came across one that seemed doable and so I started. The first day I was able to do at home because I have the equipment to do so. The second day though I HAD to go the the gym. Funnily enough I did not have any hesitation about doing so. Over the past 3 years I went from running three miles a few days a week to being completely sedentary. Getting back into the gym seemed daunting and I feared I would not achieve the results that I would like to see. That’s what depression can do. It can be a real buzz kill. But I woke up on that second day and headed into the gym with my to do list. What exercises I wasn’t sure about I asked the nice young gal working there and she was so kind and informative about how to use what machine, what muscle group the exercise would target and proper form.
Now that I am starting on my third week of the program I am starting to feel and notice little changes in my form and stability! MOST importantly I have not slept one day away. My feelings of sadness and directionless have really dissipated. The night time “doubting demons” have stayed away for the most part although they tried to creep in last night but I am better equipped to handle them. I stay firm in my resolution and kick them out the door. Cliche as it may sound, I feel renewed each morning and I haven’t felt that way in years…
More to come friends,
“If you don’t make time for exercise, you’ll probably have to make time for illness.”