Wild Flowers Lori

I am a pretty confident person in many ways. I am not afraid to speak my mind. I am not afraid to stand up for someone else nor myself when the time calls for it. I have had dreams that I made come true. I have been places and done things that most people would never dream to do out of fear of the unknown. But, for as many things that I am confident in there is an equal amount that I am not confident in. Let me let you in on what makes me feel small and hiding the background.

This is my list in no particular order.

Men.

Men that I am interested in because I feel that when they get to know me, all of me, they will be disappointed in the fact that I am still a women who wants to be loved inspite of all her scars and insecurities. I am an adventurer but there are times when my confidence is low and I want a man to be there to hold me and tell me it is going to be alright.

Money.

I grew up in a family that was solid and loving but we lived paycheck to paycheck. I am very intimidated by money. I do not make a lot of money. In fact I started a small organizing business and felt guilty charging clients what numerous sources said I should be charging so I low-balled myself by $25/hr. I know what it is like to need something and not be able to afford it whether it is a specific item or service. I also believe that if I don’t have a lot of money then it will keep me from becoming greedy. I have a fear of having money.

Being my best physical healthy self.

This one boggles me as I love to be active but for some reason I hide behind a few extra layers because if they aren’t attracted to me then they cannot hurt me and leave me so why bother trying. I figure if a guy doesn’t want to date me then what will a double scoop of Mitchell’s icecream hurt? This is by far my worst defense mechanism.

I am not writing these things because I am wanting pity. I am writing these things because I have never said them out loud to anyone, let alone myself. I am going to give myself a Mulligan on these first 4 months and start ab ovo (<—to start over.) From this moment forward I am going do my best to better my self esteem and relationship with my physical self, money and men.

Spirtually I have grown so much over the last 5 years. I feel like I am in wonderful spiritual place where I am ready to tackle the issues that I believe are holding me back a little and the ones I would like to do much better in.

When your spiritual self is solid other things become clearer.

Much peace, much love and many bubbles of confdence,

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Good morning beautiful world!

I am currently house sitting for my old neighbor who lives in my old old apartment! (I moved three times in the two and half years I lived in this building) lol… I did love this building with it pre-WWII character such as skeleton key locks and creaky hardwood floors. Dude I am not going to lie, it is a little weird being back in the apartment building I willingly choose to leave to start a new life adventure. It is even weirder staying in my old old apartment pattering around but being surrounded by things that are not mine! Somehow the fluidity of movement around the space has not changed. I feel like I am in an alternate universe…lol. I can’t stop laughing as I write this..(could be the amount of coffee I had already.)

So over the next few days I will be enjoying the benefit of domestic stability but I KNOW I will be itching to get back to my happy nomadic life. Seriously.. 🙂

The other crazy cool thing that is happening that I am so totally stoked about is that in few weeks I am going back to the unit at the Cleveland Clinic that I started out in and left when I decided to move to California. How crazy is that?!?!?! In a sense I feel like I am going “home?”. My life if fun, hilarious, trying at times but never dull 😉

I left that unit in 2006 and trekked out west the day after my 29th birthday craving a crazy new life experience. Now 12 years later almost to the day I am going back to the unit where I will spend my time working and having more freedom to plan my next life adventure! I feel like that unit and my amazing nurse manager are kind of like my home base before I launch out into something new. The BEST part is that I am going back to a place that is nurturing, understanding and exciting. Dudes though it’s funny how your perspective changes after being gone.

Anyways I just felt like I had to write a little diddy about how you don’t really ever leave people and places behind. You meet them again, hug them and thank them for the roles they did play and will play in your life. It is great to be “home” temporarily and it feels great to going “home” temporarily.

What a funny, twisty, crazy, fun, sometimes weird life one travels. Gosh darn it, I LOVE IT!

Peace, love and beautiful adventurous bubbles,

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I love you.  To you, all of you, who have supported my dream without question, for you know that it is important for me to ramble.  

~L

“Give what you have.  To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”  

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

How many people are truly happy being themselves?  I mean really, what does it take to be one’s true self?  We live in a world where everything is just full of Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat photos that say,  “My life is so perfect!”

Why are people afraid to live outside of what society as a collective whole expects of them?  I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and my journey into willingly moving into my car and completely and totally downsizing my life.  Recently my iPhone 6 took a swim and instead of paying the insurance deductible on it and replacing it I went back to a flip phone and I have been absolutely loving it.  I thought without my iPhone that I would be missing out or not be connected to things that I felt were important to me.  For instance extreme athletes Instagram pages and finding inspiration in them.  When really this past week I found a lot of inspiration, at the risk of sounding corny, inspiration within myself.   I’m looking at these athletes on Instagram and I’m thinking, “Wow okay if only I could eat right and be like them, only if I could move there and do those certain things my life would be so much fuller!”  But really when I cut back all the noise I found the silence completely fulfilling.  Not that those athletes aren’t an inspiration, they are! They inspire and drive and create and promote an amazing lifestyle.  But sometimes you get caught up in wanting that lifestyle that you’re spending more time on the couch watching it through pictures then actually living it yourself!

I would say that my true self, my authentic being is a person who just wants to wake up and be free.  A person who wants to experience so many different sunrises everywhere.  A person who still at the age that I am gets giddy like a kid because the sunrise is so amazing and the lake is totally rumblinbg with passion that it puts a smile on my face that is so big I can’t contain it and I let out the most ridiculous laugh!  

This morning I went to the gym and then I sat in Starbucks reading the newspaper which is one of my favorite things to do.  I love drinking a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper, I absolutely love it.  As I sat there a while all cozy next to the fireplace I looked at the time on my phone and I was like, “Oh my gosh I have to go I’m going to miss the colors!”  So I drove down to the lake and sure enough I missed an amazing sunrise.  I did take some beautiful pictures on my tablet but I found myself apologizing to the sun and to the earth and to the lake because I should have been there sooner to witness the combined beauty of them.  But then I had a thought, I realized that the sunrise, the lake and the sky are the loves of my life.  That may sound quirky or aloof to some of you reading this but nothing brings me more joy than that.  I love my family I really do but the smile that creeps across my face when I watch the sun peak over the horizon and the colors that it paints against the morning sky or when I wake up early early enough to where I watch the stars fade into daylight, there’s nothing like it.

I am this blog.  I was once accused of being too wild and free or wanting to be too wild and free.  But I can’t imagine being any other way.  I could not imagine not feeling that way or waking up being afraid to feel that way.  That is who I am,  I’m a restless exploring soul and I love it.  

Live Who You Are.  Live your life who you really are without any boundaries. If you quiet the noise in the world you will hear yourself loud and clear.

~L

“Give what you have.  To someone, it may be better than you dare to think. ”

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Let me tell ya’ll about the beautiful, amazing, scenic, kind, warm and lovely place I stayed for the first six days of my New England trip.

There is this wonderful point about 50 minutes north of the southern border of Maine.  A sleepy little point called Biddeford Pool.

They have a cute home with classic shingle wood siding and authentic beach motif from the area.  The home is a relaxing mix of lobster buoys, sea glass, driftwood complete with a driftwood mirror Bre made from the local beach finds and art made by the family.  You automatically just breathe easier and the tension falls away the minute your drive onto the point and even more so when you enter their home.

When I arrived Bill made me a delicious cocktail and Marysue gave me the warmest hug!  They made coffee in the morning and poured me a hot cup when I would eventually drag myself out of the cozy guest bedroom upstairs.  The bedroom:  amazingly comfortable queen size bed with soft sheets,  shelves made of driftwood, fresh flowers from Bre’s floral shoppe and views of the ocean!  I slept long and hard that week.

Sipping on coffee, that was placed in my hands without me even so much as uttering syllable, I would sit on the sofa chatting away or out on the chairs on the front deck watching the waves roll in and listening to them crash onto the shore.

Bre and I would then take off for the day visiting all sorts of awesome places.  On Tuesday night we came back to the house to a fire in the fire pit where Bill was just about to lay four lobsters marinated in some kind of crazy goodness to cook over the open flame.

Behind Bill’s left shoulder in the picture is the awesome outdoor shower that I showered in the first day.  Sooooo totally awesome dudes!

That night we at drank wine, ate lobster, corn on the cob and seriously Marysue made an AWESOME AWESOME coleslaw!  I could have eaten the entire bowl of it.  In fact when we were taking the dishes into the kitchen there was only a little bit left and I ate it right out that bowl.  I mean you can’t waste food and there wasn’t enough for anyone else, but me.  Hahaha..

All the mornings were filled with coffee and all the nights were filled with delicious food whether homemade or take-out from a local joint and the cocktails flowed freely.

I cannot express how welcome and at ease Marysue and Bill made me feel.  Their warmth and kindness was a highlight of the trip because I truly felt welcome.  For the last three days of my stay I was racking my brain trying to think of a gift to thank them for ALL that they did for me but couldn’t come up with one.  Cooking was out as I cannot cook and they have all the wine in the world!  I am still trying to figure this one out.  (sigh)

But I want to say THANK YOU to two of the coolest people!  I hope to see you soon!

~Lori

“Give what you have.  To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

So pretty much everything I ate went well with the Ship Yard beer I drank and drank and drank.  I ate everything that is quintessential New England like clam chowder, crab rolls, copious amount of lobster in various plate settings, muscles and even a Holy Doughnut made from potatoes!  Everything was totally delicious and I am pretty sure I gained about 7 pounds on this trip as I only hit the gym one time (yay for Planet Fitness being everywhere!) and the only other kind of exercise I received was racking up 7 miles of walking around Boston.

Massachusetts is old.  I know you’re thinking, “Duuuhh!”  But seriously I felt like I was cramped up everywhere I went.  Not in a bad way though but in a holy crap this place is old and they made stuff really tiny kind of way.  The streets are narrow and make almost no sense.  For instance we stopped to visit the Salem Witch Museum and the traffic around that place wasn’t as busy as it was disorganized.  If you have a penchant for quirky seventies themed Vincent Price voice over exhibits, this place is for you!  You’ll have to part with $12 precious dollars that you may as well just light on fire in front of you because that would be more entertaining.   I don’t believe they updated the exhibit since the place first opened shortly after the witch trials were over.

Lol…  Bad museums aside Massachusetts is a pretty cool place.  The towns are just as you would picture.  They are all nestled in between several hundred year old oaks trees, the streets are narrow and the roofs steep.  Sometimes the houses are right on top of the street and you have to be careful not get run over by the disorganized traffic when the side walk suddenly disappears and you find yourself in a game of “human Frogger.”  Growing up in the mid-west I never saw a house that had a plaque stating is was built in 1736.  Can you imagine how many spirits haunt that joint?!  I’d love to spend the night in one but would probably be so scared that I’d pee myself running out of the house!

We spent an entire day roaming around Boston.  Boston is like any other city with the old and new parts except Boston never stopped giving history lessons the entire day and we didn’t even cover all of it!  First and foremost I wanted to have breakfast at a local diner.  We hiked across town to the south side of Boston and ate a diner called Mull’s.  Now nothing about the food or the diner was overly spectacular but the PEOPLE made the place one of my favorites places in the city.  These were real Bostonians.  Not people from the burbs or people who transferred from other states.  The people walking into this place were born and raised in the neighborhood and proudly refer to themselves as “southie’s and they have that undeniable Boston accent that I seriously could have listened to all day.  Side note: being an Italian, German, Hungarian girl with a temper to prove it (sometimes), I would not mess with anyone from this neighborhood.  One woman came into to the place to buy bacon for her husband (please picture a brassy ballsy  small petite blonde Bostonian chatting with a friend at the counter), “Heck if I’m gahna cook ovah a hot greasy skillet just cause he wahnts bacon on his sandwich he’s taking fah lunch!  I ain’t cookin’ that fah him this marhning! I told him he can cook it himself oah I’d walk down and buy it!”  (or something to that effect..lol)  Anyways when I go back to Boston this place will be my first stop!

We then walked along a stretch of the city covered in art.  One place even had sidewalk chalk so you can create art yourself.  I, not even able to draw stick people freehand, chose to write the names of my awesome nieces and nephews on the sidewalks of Boston.

The history in Boston is UNBELIEVABLE!  I sat inside the Old North Church that was the launch for Paul Revere’s ride!  Totally wish I went to that church because if you get a “cubicle” (I don’t know what they are called) that sits beside a pillar I am pretty sure I could nap during a boring sermon without being seen.  This church opened in 1723 and is still holding services every Sunday.  It was way totally cool to sit inside that place and really feel the history of it.  We walked along parts of the Freedom Trail

and that led us to Boston’s North End (Little Italy.)

We went to a place called Mike’s and I had the biggest cannoli I had ever laid eyes upon.  Sorry I haven’t a picture but I devoured the ricotta cannoli before I even had a thought to take a photo.  This thing was so darn good it gives Gallucci’s  on E. 66th and Euclid in Cleveland a run for it’s money.  After eating the giant cannoli, because “when in Rome”, we walked across the street to a pizza place for pizza where we found two Italian tourist couples who were ordering slices of pizza and beer and the hot guy behind the counter whom I assumed was just a regular dude started conversing with them in fluent Italian!!!!  Swoon!

Boston is a must see no matter where you are from.  That city is patriotic and makes your feel your strong American roots!

I didn’t make it to the site of the Boston Tea Party nor many other historic places in Boston but that just means I’ll have to go back!…

~Lori

“Give what you have.  To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadworth Longfellow

The familiar whiff of freedom.  The feeling of total euphoria when I leave some place because my time there had run its course.  The giant giddy smile that creeps across my face as my dreams start to unfold in the most organic of ways.  The optimism that is ever present in my mind that fuels my desires and keeps my wheels perpetually turning without effort.

I have been trying to find a place that I could sit, have a beer and write this out.  I finally found a great neighborhood bar, Gormley’s.  My neighborhood is too busy and the adjoining ones can be a bit stuffy.  So I moseyed up the road to a place that I have passed by several times and never stopped at.  I have been here 15 minutes and the barkeep (Joe) is nice as can be, welcoming and doesn’t care if I sit here, sip beer and write out my thoughts. Thanks man.

I have had this RESTLESS (yes it needs to capitalized..lol) feeling for months now.  I have been thinking about materialism, challenges, freedom, happiness, monetary liberation and how to get the heck out of this slump of entrapment that I was living on a daily basis.  I have come to accept the fact that even after being back a for years and seeing all my friends and family settled down all cozy in that homey existence and thinking that it may rub off on me, that no matter what, I don’t have that gene!  That gene that wants to nest and build a stationary life.  So one day I was coming home, again…from work, and going through the same routine and saying to my self, “I cannot do this anymore.”  I asked myself how am I going to grow and live and thrive?  I thought by now I’d meet a guy and converge our lives and interests and there would be a mutual respect for each others desires and dreams.  That we’d let each other be their awesome authentic selves while exploring our mutual interests.  Well that hasn’t happened, although I thought I might have been close but…nope.  But gosh did I really like this one guy and thought, “maybe!”  I even asked this guy,  “If this thing were to go extra innings and I were to live in a grounded home with you, would you be okay with me traveling for three consecutive weeks out of the year because you know that it is vital for me to ramble?”  I am adaptable!  But he flat out said no.  So I continue on with my life’s wants and hope that one day I may share them with an awesome adventurous man.

So what have I done?!  I down sized the heck out of my life!  I sold most of my things, gave away a few, donated a ton and put a few mementos in storage and moved into a tiny home on wheels. 😁  And. I. Love. It!!!!  I am mobile, free, unconfined, and giddy with exploration.  I wanted to wait a while before I shared this with anyone.  I am sure my Ma knows as she is no dummy.  But neither am I.  I have researched and contemplated and really dug down deep to figure out whether or not I am capable of doing this.  I moved into my vehicle.  A good friend went along with my crazy plan and helped me build a platform bed for my car.  Which is AWESOME!  The platform folds up nicely so you’d never know that someone moved into such a tiny space!  I have researched safety, livability and weather.  A little side note about weather.  I am not a martyr.  When the weather turns to absolute crap I will be renting a room or an efficiency!..lol!

I have been talking about living in a tiny house for a while now.   What better way to figure out if you can live in a very small place then to live in your car for a bit?!  And let me say this.  I am doing this because I 150% want to, NOT because I had to.  My dear sweet landlord even tried to talk me out of it for three straight days and even up to the moment when the new tenant was to sign their lease he said I could back out of my plan and stay. Thank you Ted.  You are awesome and I thank you for your worry and love.

More to come…

~L

“Give what you have.  To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I found a little cove this morning carved into the side of the river.  I have a little confluence flowing right in front of my yoga mat and a little geese family just across the river on the north east bank.  My feet are bare and as I dig them into the cool river the rest of my body awakens.  If coffee isn’t doing the trick for ya this morning go dip your feet in the river!  

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I’m telling you, I could live outside. Well in a tent with my man.  I could spend my days meandering up and down the water, splitting wood, cooking over a fire.   I dream of living off the grid.  Not in a hermit kind of way but in people lovin’, close enough to a town with good beer then escape to solitude kind of way.  Close enough but far enough.  Does that make sense?  

Anyways I have to go…

Peace, love and nature,

~L

“Give what you have.  To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow