We All Make Choices.

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We all make choices. I am not talking everyday little choices. And yeah yeah I know everyday little choices add up to big choices, like I get that. I am talking about BIG choices. Where to live, where to work, where to travel, do I have kids, do I TRY to have kids (too late for that now lol), who your partner is in life, etc.

Would it not be fabulous if the only choices we had to make were what kind of coffee to have, do I want to wear my hair wavy or straight today, should I go to the lake or the woods (99% of the time, it is the lake), or do I want to make today a cell phone free day?! I would love every day to be a cell phone-free day.

Why do the BIG choices not work out sometimes? How can we be sooooooo sure that they will and then one day, POOF, they don’t?

I was 100% convinced that when I moved to Colorado in the spring of 2023, I would live there forever and retire from the National Park Service. You could not have convinced me otherwise. Instead, I lasted four months and I am back working in the same hospital I was convinced I had left behind to never return. The place is great and I really like what I do but how I could I have been so sure about Colorado?

If I had stayed in Colorado, I would not be living in my childhood home looking after my parent, whom I love, who is in cognitive decline. So, everything must happen for a reason? I guess, but man, it would be great if said parent was healthy and I lived back in California (not Colorado), living my best life. I know life doesn’t stand still, but does it have to be a rollercoaster? Why not just a really cool roadtrip? Maybe it is and I just can’t see it right now.

What about the people who marry multiple times, thinking each time that person was the one and it would stick, happily ever after? Why do people want to put themselves through turmoil? And I could definitely say the same for any romantic relationship. I myself have never been 100% sure about the man I am with. But with each new relationship I would be amiss to think in the lovey-dovey beginning that a hint of the future didn’t spring into my hopeless romantic brain!

And here is another big one. JOBS. How the heck do we end up in a job that we deep down never really wanted to work?

Why can’t we all be BRAVE enough to follow what is our passion? I certainly am not.

If I had my druthers I would be living in a tiny house, on land with a big garden and my sweet pup Lula who would be roaming free chasing the sun as it fades into dusk. I would have giant tomato plants and towering beans, endless swisschard that forever grows like a weed, big delicous carrots growing in rich soil, tall corn stalks, cucumbers, squash and big thick gardens of wildflowers so bees, so many bees, could pollinate and have restful naps in the petals.

How do I make choices for that life? How do I choose between keeping a promise to my dad about him living out his life in his home and me making the home of my dreams? I already know I will be in Ohio for many years to come, and Cleveland is home. My family is here, my friends, my beloved Lake Erie, and most of all my…. my what?… not sure how to finish that one, but something is here that I love, and I quite can’t put my finger on it.

I guess I just wish that one freaking choice that I make leads to the life I dream of living. I get so stuck in the doldrums of everyday life that I wake up far from where I’d like to be.

Where is the balance in the choices I make?

~L

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do 
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

Dreaming Of You Again…..

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I dreamt about you again last night for reasons unknown. Dreaming about you was out of the blue, but welcome. You are always welcome in my dreams.

We were dating again after quite some time apart. You felt like home as you normally do in my dreams. The feeling of loving you, of hugging you and sweetly kissing you. I cannot explain for the life of me why I dream of you the way I do. In my dreams, I nuzzle into your neck and breathe in the beautiful scent of your love and my contentment.

I whispered to you, “I love you.” I could feel you loved me, but you couldn’t quite say it out of fear that I would leave you like you didn’t want to get too close.

I carried the warmth of that dream with me throughout today. As tears well softly in the corners of my eyes, I have thoughts of seeing you in a year’s time. It seems as if we may both be settled in our lives around then and open to welcoming someone in be whatever it may.

I wish you peace, strength, courage, and so much love.

May you find happiness in all your endeavors. Until we meet again, my dreams will suffice.

Ever,

~L

“Time will explain.”

– Persuasion, 1818, Jane Austen

My Friendliest Rivalry…

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We met in an old school building back in the late 80’s that was probably packed with asbestos and lead paint. That may explain some of my crazy life decisions, Oy! Certainly this building lacked air conditioning or any modern conveniences but I LOVED this building that was built in 1923. Our middle school was beautiful and it smelled like old wood and vintage clothing. I loved it even more because it was there that we forged our nearly 35 year friendship.

I remember hanging out in the basement cafeteria talking up a storm about who has a crush on who, what Porker got in trouble for that day, eating fiestada pizza and peanut butter balls. Damn I miss peanut butter balls! You were this tall lanky kid who had a crush on me. You were always making me laugh and not just heeheehee laughing but deep belly laughing. You were funny and bold as hell and I ADORED you, as my friend.

Then just like that you moved away to that state up north and I vividly remember being totally bummed.

And yet..

Somehow before the days of cell phones and internet we managed to keep in touch. I remember that you’d come to visit your one parent back in our hometown and we’d meet up with each other to catch up and hangout. On and off through the years we’d see each other but it wasn’t until about a decade ago that we became better and closer friends. Traveling to attend a game in the big house, watching them in the garage with a bunch of your crazy but fun friends. Razzing each other and making silly bets. You, wearing and looking the best I have ever seen you, in Scarlet and Gray. Bahahaha….

On one level or another over the years, we always looked out for each other. Us wanting the nothing but best for the other person.

You were and are a great guy. I wanted desperately to see you as more than just a friend. I/we definitely tried (hahaha) but timing was never on our side and that is okay. I was too restless and you were too settled. Lifestyles of oil and water.

But you know what I love most though, about our long and friendly rivalry? It’s that I get to watch you fall in love and grow your family. You are an absolutely amazing father. You are an ABSOLUTELY amazing friend.

A genuinely good dude.

C.P. you are my longest friend and I cherish getting to “grow up” together.

~L

“We do not pull in and fill up. And I’ll tell you why we don’t. It’s because I don’t buy one goddamn drop of gas in the state of Michigan. We’ll coast and push this goddamn car to the Ohio line before I give this state a nickel of my money.”

Woody Hayes~ to assistant coach Ed Ferkany as they were low on gas in Michigan on a recruiting trip.

 GO BUCKS!!!!

Aaahhhhh….

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Peace is on the horizon.

Help is on the way.

I will have time.

I will have space.

I will have nature to get lost in.

I will have Lula the Catahoula romping through the forest beside me.

I will take naps once again…I am no good without a mid-day nap.

I will create.

I will love.

I will be still and listen to what the earth has to say.

I will breathe deep with relief and exhale with joy.

~L

“Listen–are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?”
― Mary Oliver

My Seasons Are Changing

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A new season of life is upon me and I am trying to ease into it in a calm, self preserving, open minded, open hearted and accepting way.

Myself: My self embracing season. I am letting my gray hair grow wild, and I like what I see and, more so, how it makes me feel. I want to be the age I am now. I take care of my skin, and I love the way I look without makeup. Each woman chooses how she ages, and their own path is perfect for them. I myself have never wanted Botox, fillers, or cosmetic surgery. There is something so beautiful in the privilege of aging. I have no need to look younger than I am. I have made it this far, and I am proud of myself. I am growing to realize that I can no longer take the mechanics of my body for granted. I want to take care of my bones, muscles, heart, and mind. More books. My little sister is a librarian, and she and her daughter Ellie are bookworms, and they unknowingly inspire me to read more. A goal is a book a month..we’ll see hehehe 🤓

I have discovered a stillness too that is new to me. I used to fill every day off with adventures or road-trips. And while I still LOVE doing that, I am now feeling homier. Like I want to nestle in and be still in my dwelling. I want to create things that I never really wanted to before like cakes, decor and/or art. I have always wanted to do some type of woodworking or clay sculpting. I want to sip tea and enjoy my home and gaze at my beautiful pup that sleeps in weird positions..lol.

My dad: My amazing dad. A kid could not have asked for a better dad growing up, or mom for that matter. He is older now and needs his kids around to help him more and more. I have lived with him and my mom for five years at his request. First it was to help out with my mom. After she passed he didn’t want to be alone and I stayed for a while. I eventually felt the need for space and moved away to Colorado to regain my life but soon returned home because I love northeast Ohio and I missed my family. My dad has had several setbacks this past year and the time has come to help take care of him in a more hands on way. I told my dad that I would stay and help him for as long as he wanted to stay in his home. He told me his home is where he is comfortable and that he doesn’t want to leave it. Done. The challenge is keeping my peace and him keeping his. We are very similar and sometimes that can be an obstacle but we are learning to navigate this new road.

I want to be a tree. Changing with the seasons while remaining still and strong.

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

Remember The Summer We Became Best Friends…?

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It was the summer of 1997 when we became best friends. The thought of that summer still warms my heart and has me smiling as I remember all the freaking fun we had!

I was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar, that much is true… Oh wait hahaha. 🎶

I was working at a TGI Friday’s when I met you… that I know is true. 🎶

We worked together that summer having fun and wearing FLARE, lol! We hung out after work, outside of work and really really got along. As we laughed, drank and talked our way through the summer I remember thinking I was so happy to meet a really genuine guy especially after the break I had just gone through the year prior. I ADORED you…as a friend. I didn’t really see you in the romantic way and I didn’t think you saw me that way either. maybe I didn’t wanna cross the line between friendship and something else. Maybe I didn’t wanna acknowledge that something could be brewing.

Then one night, I forget where we were hanging out but I know it was with my high school best friend and her guy. Her guy may have been your friend you always hung out with at Friday’s and his name, I cannot remember for the life of me. Anyways we were all hanging out somewhere on the outskirts of town possibly in the country, who knows. But I remember my high school bestie telling me that you told her, you had feelings for me. I was like, no way, him and I are just friends! Then after that night when we would hang out it became clearer that you did, and I did too. She watered a seed that I didn’t know was there . From that point it was on. You and I would go for drives in your blue old truck and make out on abandoned roads (that now are developments lol).

We almost did it on one of those roads but we decided to wait and not make it so cheap and icky. I remembering driving to your university late a night just to sneak into bed with you. I loved being in your bunk trying to talk quietly as your roommate slept.

I remember rollerblading through the park down a hill that was insanely steep for me and thinking I’d crash into the trees. But you promised me you wouldn’t let that happen and I trusted you.

Trust.

I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind that don’t know if I trusted someone the same way since.

You dude were the real deal. Romantic…writing love letters from Florence. Oh the long distance phone bills I racked up calling Italy and talking for hours. My parents were ready to kill me. LOL You were TOTALLY into ska and dressed the part sometimes too. I loved that you weren’t afraid to be your own authentic person at the young age of twenty/twenty one. And the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me, when my Italian grandma passed you kindly gave me back the letters that she helped me write to you in Italian.

Had I known how special you were maybe I would have made different choices. However when one comes out of an emotionally abusive relationship one just can’t tell what is true and what is false.

You were meant to come into my life to set the example of what an HONEST, cool and kind guy could be.

Thank you. After all these years I remember your kind and generous heart.

~L

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

~Rumi

R-you were the light.

A Smile

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It was in the midst of covid in 2021. I was going to a therapy appointment to seek help on how to deal with my mother’s passing and navigating the emotional promise I made my dad when he made me promise that I would never leave him. Ugh the battle that has been going on since February 2, 2021.

Anyways I was checking in for my appointment in a Lyndhurst office when the man behind the counter asked me if I worked at main campus. I said yes I do. He then gave me the sweetest compliment I have ever received. He said that he worked there as well in the same building as me and that he recognized me even with a face mask on because I would always smile and say hello to him every morning and that he knew it was me this particular day because even with a mask on he remembered how my eyes smiled.

I often pass by people who aren’t smiling. You can tell they are upset, preoccupied or zoned out. I will 99.9% of the time smile and say hello. What I love is when a beautiful smile cracks across their face and they soften and say hello back. I really do wish more people could initiate a smile and a hello. They go so very far in making one feel good, feel seen and feel love from a stranger.

I love the way my pup smiles at me when I come home from work. I love the smiles of my nieces and nephews. I miss my mom’s beautiful slightly crooked smile (I have the same one 💛). I love my dad’s funny “Hi how are ya?” smile. My sister Lisa and a pretty soft sweet smile. My brother Donnie has a big genuine smile, think Santa Claus. My little sister Lana….well her smile is contagious in-person but in pictures she looks..ugh.. constipated. LOL… Love you Lana! Hahahaha..

I dated a man a long long time ago that I fell for instantly because when he turned around to say hello for the first time his smile was big and kind and just melted me. I knew from that very moment he’d be in my life for a little while.

“Children learn to smile from their parents.” ~Shinichi Suzuki

“Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.” ~Mother Teresa

“I have witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile.” ~Goldie Hawn

“Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” ~Phyllis Diller

“Wrinkles only go where the smiles have been.” ~Jimmy Buffet

~L



…that I missed you

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I dreamt about you the other night. This one was not as nice as the others you have shown up in. Nonetheless you showed up. Yesterday and the day before I could not stop feeling you around me. The feeling felt so real that I had started talking to you asking what these feelings were all about.

I could see and feel the warmth of your smile. Duuuuuude I loved your smile and the way your eyes crinkled up when you did smile. And most lovely of all was that I could see myself burying my face into the side of your neck. And the hug…oh the tight warm hug. Home. You felt like home.

I don’t understand these feelings. I don’t know where they are coming from. What I do know is that I have felt them over the years. Once in a while people would ask me about you and I would reply with all things to the contrary of what I was actually thinking or feeling. Anything to make myself feel safe from the realness of what I really felt.

That I missed you.

That I miss you.

~L

“There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground; there are a thousand ways to go home again.” ~Rumi

When the past becomes present.

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Deeeeeeep breath…..

Long pause.

You are here again.

Not physically but warmly emotional.

I feel you, your spirit.

Kneeling down in meditation beside you from afar.

Tears forming from a warm understanding love.

Love that went dormant but has started to make itself known again.

Known in the most affable of ways.

~L

Do You Remember the Coffee?

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Thoughts of worry. I haven’t seen you or even spoken to you in so long. My dreams are so vivid that I know they are real within the dream itself. Several weeks ago in my dream we just happened to bump into each other in Montana. You were fly fishing and I was rambling through the area. It was complete happenstance. The cowboy hat atop your head didn’t quite seem like a right fit but then again it has been so long maybe your tastes have changed. As you were fishing you looked so happy, like BEAMING happy as you stood alone on that great Montana river in the warm bright sunshine. The smile that cracked across your face sent so many memories rushing to my head. You were always handsome. I feel like you knew it but couldn’t always completely believe it. You asked how I was and I hesitated before telling you I was going through a divorce. Funny because we both know that I don’t believe in legalities of marriage. It was almost as if our roles were reversed. Instead of fishing though I would have been listening to the plants and animals and feeling the wind around me as I sat on the banks of the river. That wasn’t the first dream. There have been many very real dreams.

This morning, as I was driving to get my cappuccino on the way to the lake, feelings of worry began to take hold out of nowhere. Deep, sad worry. I worried about you and your feelings. This is your second time around, and I remember you telling me how hard your first time around was. I ask myself how and why these feelings come up. Why do they hold space in my chest? Space for someone that I haven’t spoken to in many, many years. Yet here they are. As my eyes teared up, I asked you to stay, please stay. I don’t know what I meant by that. Maybe that you are incredibly important for this world.

~L