Thoughts of worry. I haven’t seen you or even spoken to you in so long. My dreams are so vivid that I know they are real within the dream itself. Several weeks ago in my dream we just happened to bump into each other in Montana. You were fly fishing and I was rambling through the area. It was complete happenstance. The cowboy hat atop your head didn’t quite seem like a right fit but then again it has been so long maybe your tastes have changed. As you were fishing you looked so happy, like BEAMING happy as you stood alone on that great Montana river in the warm bright sunshine. The smile that cracked across your face sent so many memories rushing to my head. You were always handsome. I feel like you knew it but couldn’t always completely believe it. You asked how I was and I hesitated before telling you I was going through a divorce. Funny because we both know that I don’t believe in legalities of marriage. It was almost as if our roles were reversed. Instead of fishing though I would have been listening to the plants and animals and feeling the wind around me as I sat on the banks of the river. That wasn’t the first dream. There have been many very real dreams.
This morning, as I was driving to get my cappuccino on the way to the lake, feelings of worry began to take hold out of nowhere. Deep, sad worry. I worried about you and your feelings. This is your second time around, and I remember you telling me how hard your first time around was. I ask myself how and why these feelings come up. Why do they hold space in my chest? Space for someone that I haven’t spoken to in many, many years. Yet here they are. As my eyes teared up, I asked you to stay, please stay. I don’t know what I meant by that. Maybe that you are incredibly important for this world.
Snow is covering the patio furniture that I just put out a week ago when it was 70 degrees and sunny. 🤦🏻♀️ I just couldn’t wait to sit outside with a cup of coffee and crossword while basking in the morning sun. Well the sun is hiding this morning so I am tucked in bed with a cup of coffee, my hound Lula snoring next to me and the crossword. Which I was doing well at until I wasn’t. But it is always a good idea to let it rest and then come back to it later as some of the answers come to me. What a metaphor for life eh?
I have a birthday coming up and the only thing I really want is a hot plate to keep my mug of whatever hot so that while I am sitting in bed, at the table or outside so my whatever (coffee, tea or hot water with lemon) stays hot.
It has been a while since I have been on here. I have since moved back from Colorado, went back to work at the hospital and moved back home until I purchase a home of sorts.
Colorado was beautiful. The job however was not feasible but I am glad I checked off that item on my bucket list. Working for the national parks would have best worked out for me if I had started in my twenties. Getting paid in sunsets at 46 years old is not doable for me. Also I know this is going to sound like a “oh woe is me” thing to some but I will say it anyways. I HATED working five days a week. The drudgery was sucking my soul dry. Give me three twelves and four days off and I am a happy gal. The sunrises out the windows of the patients rooms are gorgeous and the sunsets walking out of work are gorgeous!
Moving away last year helped me tremendously. I was able to discover a few of things that have helped me feel more settled internally than I have ever felt before.
I am finally content knowing that I will probably never feel content. What I mean is that I have accepted who I am. I know longer feel like I am chasing my life down. I am content in knowing that I am who I am and do not feel the need to subscribe to certain timelines or norms. I always used to feel there was something wrong with me about not wanting to be married, or being uber successful. I do not love concept of marriage. And as far as success goes….one’s uber success can look much different to another’s. I cannot compare my life to others because we are all individuals on our own journeys. But I know now that I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not have anything to prove even to myself. I am who I am with room to grow, learn and love. I am right where I need to be in this moment.
I am content being alone/single. While I would love to live out my dreams with a man that I love, I know I am peaceful and I am content with living them out on my own. I love myself and my place in the world like I have never have before. I love my personality, my spirit, my growth, my mind, my body, my everything. I am enough for this life. Having a partner to share my already fulfilling life would be an added wonderful and loving second cup of coffee to my day. But I am no longer trying to make it fit for “us” nor changing myself to fit the relationship nor seeking one out the way I used to.
Lula. She is single handedly the best being that has come into my life in a very long time. I never thought I had time or space for a dog. I was always running around, traveling or working. However while I was working as a park ranger at the front gate of a national park I saw a TON of people traveling with their pets. I am talking all sorts of pets, from dogs to parrots, hedgehogs to snakes. And sooo many cats just lying atop the sunny dashboards! lol. I kept saying to my coworkers that I was going to adopt a pup and then I’d show up empty handed. Well one weekend the La Plata County Humane Society was over crowed and so I went up there. I walked in without a clue as to which pup I was interested in. With their help I found Lula. She had just had puppies two months before and the last pup was adopted out a week before I went to the shelter. Her and I had our meet and greet and she sat in my lap while she waited to see if the handler was coming back. We went for a little walk and off we went..home. I do not know how a lucked out with such an amazing, loyal, sweet, gentle, quiet, loving, energetic and cuddly best friend but I did. She now lives in the lap of luxury and is 110% spoiled everyday. She has added such love and companionship to my life. She is my soul pup.
~L
~L
“I believe in kindness. Also in mischief. Also in singing, especially when singing is not necessarily prescribed.” ― Mary Oliver
Wildflowers Lori 