Tag: writing

Getting Back Out There

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Last weekend I went camping with friends. Some of those friends I see on a regular basis, and some I have not seen in a few years. We all sat around a big ol’ fire and caught up with one another. It seemed comfortable, but I wasn’t comfortable. The night was nice and cozy, but I just couldn’t get into the swing of it. At one point, I got up and went on a walk by myself just to get away from everyone. I am still adjusting to the fact that I don’t have to go back to the house, that I no longer have anyone to take care of, and really, that I can just sit back and enjoy myself. I know my folks would want me to get back out there and restart doing things that I absolutely once loved to do.

I’m also getting back to car life. Way back in 2017, I sold or gave away 98% of my stuff and, with the help of a friend, built out a bed in my car and moved in. After my dad’s passing and the sale of the house, I felt an OVERWHELMING feeling to try car life again. To see if I enjoy it as much as I did eight years ago. I still can’t totally decide if I want a van or a tiny home, but right now this is where I need to be. I am on the road, making a way for myself and rediscovering my past love of the outdoors. I have sold a couple of pieces of ultralight-weight gear to beginners, and that is pretty cool. To help outfit a couple of folks who are just starting to discover their own love for backpacking and hiking.

Do I still love it? I thiiiink so. Before, I could not sit still and constantly had to be moving or traveling, and now I feel a little more stillness in my life. I think that is why I may be leaning toward a van (one with a proper stove and oven). I love to cook and bake now. I love the process of it all. I may not be the best at it, but the enjoyment is there, and that’s what I need. The days of quick meals in the car and not caring about nutrition are gone. I need a mobile space where I can make wonderful meals and still satisfy my love of waking up in different places.

I now have Lula that I need to think about too. Car life isn’t conducive long-term for a pup. She needs to be able to get up and walk around the vehicle, stretch out and such. I want her to have an adventurous AND comfortable life.

I am taking it all slow. I have days where I am super excited to be at it again and days where I second-guess it all. I am trying to build a life and grieve at the same time. If anyone has been the caretaker of their parents, then you know it hits different.

The other day I got takeout from Bob Evans and as I was pulling out of the parking lot I just started crying because my dad LOOOOOVED going out to breakfast and lunch. I wish him and I could do that again. Damn it I am crying now. Feeeeck.

I have the dream catchers that my dad bought in 2021 out in Glacier National Park in Montana. One blue with white accents and one white with blue accents, representing the sweatshirts he and my momma were wearing when they met way back in the early 1960’s. I also have one red bird and one blue bird that hang with the dream catchers. The birds were a gift from my amazing coworker. Little did she know that on the Christmas tree each year hung a pretty blue bird (my dad) and a pretty red bird (my momma). Ornaments that my parents bought a long time ago when they were first married.

The dreamcatchers and the birds flow on the wind as I travel. My folks are always with me, on my new, old adventures.

~L

‘Your grief for what you lost lifts a mirror up to where you’re bravely working.”

~Rumi

Dad… (this picture is pretty much reminiscent of our last few years having morning coffee together as well 😆)

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To the man who tied my track shoes…

The one who gave the sidewalk a spanking when I fell…

The amazing girl dad who always said he wished he could take away my “period pain”, but he couldn’t, so he’d take me for ice cream and car rides to soothe my uterus…

To the man who would make my boyfriends hang up and call back to try again if their manners were not up to par the first time…

The man who ALWAYS told me how beautiful I am and that I didn’t need all that make-up…

The man who warmed my little kid hands underneath his giant arms when I’d come in from playing outside in the winter…

To the man who always said, “Just call me. I’ll come to pick you up. No questions asked.”…

The man who would fall asleep during mass and told me he was just “resting my eyes.”…

To the man who would follow me in the car so I could be safe, as I ran long-distance practice runs in junior high and high school…

To the man who would wake me up at 5am and tell me to grab a blanket and a pillow, pile me in the car, buckle me in, and take a road trip while I slept, eventually waking up some place a few hours away for a day of adventure…

To the man who instilled in me the spirit of roadtripping with no plan just a rough draft route in his head…

To the man who threw the fish back, when I was sobbing at 7 years old because I could not handle the poor fish gasping for it’s life…

To the man I would visit on his mail route to have lunch with…

To the man who always loved whatever gift I gave him, no matter how silly or simple it was…

TO THE MAN WHO SHOWED UP AT MY TRACK MEETS IN HIS POSTAL UNIFORM, LOUDLY YELLING FOR ME TO SPRINT AND FINISH STRONG, YELLING “TURN IT ON TURN IT ON, SPRINT!”…

And to the man who said, “I’m not your friend, I am your dad” (which to me meant he and my momma were my truest best friends), cut from the same cloth…I would have taken care of you forever…

I love you.

Jó éjszakát, apa.

Love,

Lori Annie

“Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, story-tellers and singers of song.”

~Pam Brown

My Friendliest Rivalry…

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We met in an old school building back in the late 80’s that was probably packed with asbestos and lead paint. That may explain some of my crazy life decisions, Oy! Certainly this building lacked air conditioning or any modern conveniences but I LOVED this building that was built in 1923. Our middle school was beautiful and it smelled like old wood and vintage clothing. I loved it even more because it was there that we forged our nearly 35 year friendship.

I remember hanging out in the basement cafeteria talking up a storm about who has a crush on who, what Porker got in trouble for that day, eating fiestada pizza and peanut butter balls. Damn I miss peanut butter balls! You were this tall lanky kid who had a crush on me. You were always making me laugh and not just heeheehee laughing but deep belly laughing. You were funny and bold as hell and I ADORED you, as my friend.

Then just like that you moved away to that state up north and I vividly remember being totally bummed.

And yet..

Somehow before the days of cell phones and internet we managed to keep in touch. I remember that you’d come to visit your one parent back in our hometown and we’d meet up with each other to catch up and hangout. On and off through the years we’d see each other but it wasn’t until about a decade ago that we became better and closer friends. Traveling to attend a game in the big house, watching them in the garage with a bunch of your crazy but fun friends. Razzing each other and making silly bets. You, wearing and looking the best I have ever seen you, in Scarlet and Gray. Bahahaha….

On one level or another over the years, we always looked out for each other. Us wanting the nothing but best for the other person.

You were and are a great guy. I wanted desperately to see you as more than just a friend. I/we definitely tried (hahaha) but timing was never on our side and that is okay. I was too restless and you were too settled. Lifestyles of oil and water.

But you know what I love most though, about our long and friendly rivalry? It’s that I get to watch you fall in love and grow your family. You are an absolutely amazing father. You are an ABSOLUTELY amazing friend.

A genuinely good dude.

C.P. you are my longest friend and I cherish getting to “grow up” together.

~L

“We do not pull in and fill up. And I’ll tell you why we don’t. It’s because I don’t buy one goddamn drop of gas in the state of Michigan. We’ll coast and push this goddamn car to the Ohio line before I give this state a nickel of my money.”

Woody Hayes~ to assistant coach Ed Ferkany as they were low on gas in Michigan on a recruiting trip.

 GO BUCKS!!!!

My Seasons Are Changing

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A new season of life is upon me and I am trying to ease into it in a calm, self preserving, open minded, open hearted and accepting way.

Myself: My self embracing season. I am letting my gray hair grow wild, and I like what I see and, more so, how it makes me feel. I want to be the age I am now. I take care of my skin, and I love the way I look without makeup. Each woman chooses how she ages, and their own path is perfect for them. I myself have never wanted Botox, fillers, or cosmetic surgery. There is something so beautiful in the privilege of aging. I have no need to look younger than I am. I have made it this far, and I am proud of myself. I am growing to realize that I can no longer take the mechanics of my body for granted. I want to take care of my bones, muscles, heart, and mind. More books. My little sister is a librarian, and she and her daughter Ellie are bookworms, and they unknowingly inspire me to read more. A goal is a book a month..we’ll see hehehe 🤓

I have discovered a stillness too that is new to me. I used to fill every day off with adventures or road-trips. And while I still LOVE doing that, I am now feeling homier. Like I want to nestle in and be still in my dwelling. I want to create things that I never really wanted to before like cakes, decor and/or art. I have always wanted to do some type of woodworking or clay sculpting. I want to sip tea and enjoy my home and gaze at my beautiful pup that sleeps in weird positions..lol.

My dad: My amazing dad. A kid could not have asked for a better dad growing up, or mom for that matter. He is older now and needs his kids around to help him more and more. I have lived with him and my mom for five years at his request. First it was to help out with my mom. After she passed he didn’t want to be alone and I stayed for a while. I eventually felt the need for space and moved away to Colorado to regain my life but soon returned home because I love northeast Ohio and I missed my family. My dad has had several setbacks this past year and the time has come to help take care of him in a more hands on way. I told my dad that I would stay and help him for as long as he wanted to stay in his home. He told me his home is where he is comfortable and that he doesn’t want to leave it. Done. The challenge is keeping my peace and him keeping his. We are very similar and sometimes that can be an obstacle but we are learning to navigate this new road.

I want to be a tree. Changing with the seasons while remaining still and strong.

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

A Smile

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It was in the midst of covid in 2021. I was going to a therapy appointment to seek help on how to deal with my mother’s passing and navigating the emotional promise I made my dad when he made me promise that I would never leave him. Ugh the battle that has been going on since February 2, 2021.

Anyways I was checking in for my appointment in a Lyndhurst office when the man behind the counter asked me if I worked at main campus. I said yes I do. He then gave me the sweetest compliment I have ever received. He said that he worked there as well in the same building as me and that he recognized me even with a face mask on because I would always smile and say hello to him every morning and that he knew it was me this particular day because even with a mask on he remembered how my eyes smiled.

I often pass by people who aren’t smiling. You can tell they are upset, preoccupied or zoned out. I will 99.9% of the time smile and say hello. What I love is when a beautiful smile cracks across their face and they soften and say hello back. I really do wish more people could initiate a smile and a hello. They go so very far in making one feel good, feel seen and feel love from a stranger.

I love the way my pup smiles at me when I come home from work. I love the smiles of my nieces and nephews. I miss my mom’s beautiful slightly crooked smile (I have the same one 💛). I love my dad’s funny “Hi how are ya?” smile. My sister Lisa and a pretty soft sweet smile. My brother Donnie has a big genuine smile, think Santa Claus. My little sister Lana….well her smile is contagious in-person but in pictures she looks..ugh.. constipated. LOL… Love you Lana! Hahahaha..

I dated a man a long long time ago that I fell for instantly because when he turned around to say hello for the first time his smile was big and kind and just melted me. I knew from that very moment he’d be in my life for a little while.

“Children learn to smile from their parents.” ~Shinichi Suzuki

“Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.” ~Mother Teresa

“I have witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile.” ~Goldie Hawn

“Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” ~Phyllis Diller

“Wrinkles only go where the smiles have been.” ~Jimmy Buffet

~L



Quiet Morning

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Snow is covering the patio furniture that I just put out a week ago when it was 70 degrees and sunny. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I just couldn’t wait to sit outside with a cup of coffee and crossword while basking in the morning sun. Well the sun is hiding this morning so I am tucked in bed with a cup of coffee, my hound Lula snoring next to me and the crossword. Which I was doing well at until I wasn’t. But it is always a good idea to let it rest and then come back to it later as some of the answers come to me. What a metaphor for life eh?

I have a birthday coming up and the only thing I really want is a hot plate to keep my mug of whatever hot so that while I am sitting in bed, at the table or outside so my whatever (coffee, tea or hot water with lemon) stays hot.

It has been a while since I have been on here. I have since moved back from Colorado, went back to work at the hospital and moved back home until I purchase a home of sorts.

Colorado was beautiful. The job however was not feasible but I am glad I checked off that item on my bucket list. Working for the national parks would have best worked out for me if I had started in my twenties. Getting paid in sunsets at 46 years old is not doable for me. Also I know this is going to sound like a “oh woe is me” thing to some but I will say it anyways. I HATED working five days a week. The drudgery was sucking my soul dry. Give me three twelves and four days off and I am a happy gal. The sunrises out the windows of the patients rooms are gorgeous and the sunsets walking out of work are gorgeous!

Moving away last year helped me tremendously. I was able to discover a few of things that have helped me feel more settled internally than I have ever felt before.

  1. I am finally content knowing that I will probably never feel content. What I mean is that I have accepted who I am. I know longer feel like I am chasing my life down. I am content in knowing that I am who I am and do not feel the need to subscribe to certain timelines or norms. I always used to feel there was something wrong with me about not wanting to be married, or being uber successful. I do not love concept of marriage. And as far as success goes….one’s uber success can look much different to another’s. I cannot compare my life to others because we are all individuals on our own journeys. But I know now that I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not have anything to prove even to myself. I am who I am with room to grow, learn and love. I am right where I need to be in this moment.
  2. I am content being alone/single. While I would love to live out my dreams with a man that I love, I know I am peaceful and I am content with living them out on my own. I love myself and my place in the world like I have never have before. I love my personality, my spirit, my growth, my mind, my body, my everything. I am enough for this life. Having a partner to share my already fulfilling life would be an added wonderful and loving second cup of coffee to my day. But I am no longer trying to make it fit for “us” nor changing myself to fit the relationship nor seeking one out the way I used to.
  3. Lula. She is single handedly the best being that has come into my life in a very long time. I never thought I had time or space for a dog. I was always running around, traveling or working. However while I was working as a park ranger at the front gate of a national park I saw a TON of people traveling with their pets. I am talking all sorts of pets, from dogs to parrots, hedgehogs to snakes. And sooo many cats just lying atop the sunny dashboards! lol. I kept saying to my coworkers that I was going to adopt a pup and then I’d show up empty handed. Well one weekend the La Plata County Humane Society was over crowed and so I went up there. I walked in without a clue as to which pup I was interested in. With their help I found Lula. She had just had puppies two months before and the last pup was adopted out a week before I went to the shelter. Her and I had our meet and greet and she sat in my lap while she waited to see if the handler was coming back. We went for a little walk and off we went..home. I do not know how a lucked out with such an amazing, loyal, sweet, gentle, quiet, loving, energetic and cuddly best friend but I did. She now lives in the lap of luxury and is 110% spoiled everyday. She has added such love and companionship to my life. She is my soul pup.

~L

~L

“I believe in kindness. Also in mischief. Also in singing, especially when singing is not necessarily prescribed.”
― Mary Oliver