With or without in life.

old fashion rules

When you fall asleep at night are you alone?  Are you alone even if you are with someone who is right next to you?  Right now I sleep alone.  I have been in relationships where I felt alone even if my boyfriend was sleeping next to me.  Do you ever feel this way?  Regardless if you are married or not.  What happens when you think your life is what it should be but the loneliness settles in?  My last relationship was everything I wanted and everything I didn’t want.  Does that make sense?  It makes perfect sense and that is why I knew I had to get out and why I knew that I had to fight until my heart bled to try and make it work.  How do you know when to throw in the towel and when to stay?  Doesn’t anyone fight the good fight anymore or are we just disposable to one another?  And when you first meet someone…how soon do you know that they are either a friend, maybe something more or someone you just need to get to know better before you make a decision.  To those who are living a great love story, great!

I am someone who has a hard time following through on things.  I am a loyal and reliable friend but to me, myself, I am as reliable as a 2 legged stool.  I am not a grass is greener kind of woman.  I am just the type that has to be 110% sure about something before I go through with it, career and relationships that is.  I am as spontaneous as the weather in Cleveland!  lol.. I wouldn’t say that I have a fear of commitment BUT I do have a fear of being committed to the wrong person and career.  (I am doing fine in my life and I am still working on discovering my dharma..haha)

We have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with anyone, right?  Yes and no.  I love most things about myself.  There are areas that need work just like everyone else.  But since WHEN do we have to walk through life alone until every little ripple calms?!

What happens when you meet someone that you have the connection with, “the connection”? You know, the one where you just “get” each other.  The one where you look at the other person and you are both thinking the same things.  The one that even though you aren’t in the same room you feel their presence?  I have had those.  But what if that connection is with the wrong person?  Or right person wrong time?  Do you stop acting on it?  Do you put it on the back burner and wait until the time may be right?  What if that person isn’t currently available?

We hear it all the time, “Nice guys finish last or no one likes a guy who is too nice.”  I don’t think either of those are true!  I have met/reconnected with a string of nice guys recently but I am just not attracted to them because I don’t feel that connection to them.  Give it time they say, you’re too picky they say, not everyone has “the connection” they say.  Well, I have had “the connection” therefore I know it exists.  My sweet dear aunt told me once that maybe I am not meant to be with anyone.  What the hell?  Humans are not solitary creatures.  I certainly am not solitary.  I love my alone time but when I have been lacking human connection it plays on my psyche.  I am a people person.  I love talking, listening and interacting with people.

However, I rather be alone than with the wrong man.  That is true.  But when are we going to stop with the whole independent movement?  Men and women have gender roles.  Not the societal ones that have been impressed upon us but the innate ones.  In nature it is the male who woos his potential mate.  Archaic?  I don’t know.  About a year ago I was camping with a group of people and there was this one guy who was cute (super tall and a little like Paul Bunyan) but a bit pompous.  We were having a debate about what would happen if an intruder came into camp.  He said I would run and hide behind the men hoping they would be able to fend off the intruder.  I, being the ever so stubborn feminist said, “I certainly would not!!!  Why would I ever look to a man to defend me?”  Well flash forward a year or so and I now know I would do what I could but men are physically stronger then women (well some of the time anyways..haha) and I would have no problem looking to the strongest man if a fight broke out.   Is that sexist?  I don’t think so.

I do think that every relationship is a give and take and it is not always going to be 50/50.  I believe that people give up too easily.  Not because they stopped loving the other person but because they are scared of what is going on inside themselves.  I loved an ex-boyfriend of mine.  We once had this beautiful moment in a deli parking lot.  We looked at each other, knew we were thinking the same loving thoughts and both cried a little at the same time.  That was enough for me to know that we had “the connection.”  But later amidst out struggles  I saw a brighter side of us that he didn’t.  What I really saw was a side of us that I wanted from someone but maybe or maybe not from him but I was willing to do the work to find out.  He wasn’t.  Eventually I knew it wasn’t going to be possible on either of our parts because it was going to be too hard for both of us to be raw with one another.  I was too scared and so was he too I think.  I also knew when it was finally time to throw in the towel.  But what came out of that was a painful amazing beautiful struggle that lead me here, right here, in the library writing this.

I am not afraid to put my feelings out there.  Why should we be afraid?  The song and dance of things is getting to the point of ridiculousness.  We are so disconnected.  We are afraid of how we are going to let the other person make us feel therefore we hide behind technology and our own walls.  What happened to romance, respect and effort?  Are we just feeling-less beings that get together for the sake of reproducing or dwelling together to keep up with where our peers are in life?  I don’t want a roommate that I happen to have sex with.  I want a partner.  I want a MAN.  An encouraging, loyal, honest, moral, hard working (no matter the profession),  funny as hell, gentle giant of character who knows how to treat a woman of the same character…but I also want/need “the connection.”

So to my dear aunt, no, I am not meant to be alone.  To my brother, neither of our parents had a college degree.  To people who think women are suppose to be strong and independent, DAMN STRAIGHT!  To me:  you are an amazing strong independent lady, and it is perfectly okay to take the man’s hand when he is trying to help you up.  It is also perfectly okay to walk away when all resources of “help” have been exhausted.

We don’t just want one another, we really do NEED one another.

~Lori

“Give what you have.  To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

One thought on “With or without in life.

  1. What a beautiful blog post. Raw and honest. You and I were just at a wedding that joined two people who were both disillusioned with love in general. Brian was raised to treat a woman with respect and to protect her while at the same time giving her freedom to be who she is. You can’t give a guy a litmus test when you meet him so you just have to have faith that God’s plan for you is way better than anything you could have planned yourself. I fully expect to be celebrating your wedding one day. In the meantime just keep living your life by enjoying all the things most of us take for granted – like sunrises and the beauty of Lake Erie. I appreciate that you remind me of these things. Love you, Lori. As the great Joe Dirt said, “Keep on keepin’ on”. ~Laura

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