I am a pretty confident person in many ways. I am not afraid to speak my mind. I am not afraid to stand up for someone else nor myself when the time calls for it. I have had dreams that I made come true. I have been places and done things that most people would never dream to do out of fear of the unknown. But, for as many things that I am confident in there is an equal amount that I am not confident in. Let me let you in on what makes me feel small and hiding the background.
This is my list in no particular order.
Men that I am interested in because I feel that when they get to know me, all of me, they will be disappointed in the fact that I am still a women who wants to be loved inspite of all her scars and insecurities. I am an adventurer but there are times when my confidence is low and I want a man to be there to hold me and tell me it is going to be alright.
I grew up in a family that was solid and loving but we lived paycheck to paycheck. I am very intimidated by money. I do not make a lot of money. In fact I started a small organizing business and felt guilty charging clients what numerous sources said I should be charging so I low-balled myself by $25/hr. I know what it is like to need something and not be able to afford it whether it is a specific item or service. I also believe that if I don’t have a lot of money then it will keep me from becoming greedy. I have a fear of having money.
Being my best physical healthy self.
This one boggles me as I love to be active but for some reason I hide behind a few extra layers because if they aren’t attracted to me then they cannot hurt me and leave me so why bother trying. I figure if a guy doesn’t want to date me then what will a double scoop of Mitchell’s icecream hurt? This is by far my worst defense mechanism.
I am not writing these things because I am wanting pity. I am writing these things because I have never said them out loud to anyone, let alone myself. I am going to give myself a Mulligan on these first 4 months and start ab ovo (<—to start over.) From this moment forward I am going do my best to better my self esteem and relationship with my physical self, money and men.
Spirtually I have grown so much over the last 5 years. I feel like I am in wonderful spiritual place where I am ready to tackle the issues that I believe are holding me back a little and the ones I would like to do much better in.
When your spiritual self is solid other things become clearer.
Much peace, much love and many bubbles of confdence,
“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow