I am feeling lost these days. I am just going to be honest.
I have three courses that I am working on, and I use that term “working on” very loosely as I cannot seem to find the motivation for any of them. I don’t know if it is the crappy Cleveland weather, the fact that I am still at my dad’s house or I lack self confidence.
I am stuck. I see the light at the other end but I feel like I am trudging through mud to get there.
I recently left my job back at the end of January and I will say it is the best decision I have ever made. I really liked my co-workers and management but I did not like the job. It was a job to nowhere. And as I looked through the endless possible employment opportunities at the company I could not find one that would make me happy and I liked the company I worked for! (Thank goodness I put money away for the unexpected)
After I left I decided to immerse myself in learning and taking courses that I have always wanted to pursue. But something deeper is going on. Loneliness for sure is one monster that is at the ready every time I have too much time on my hands. Still being at my dad’s house, after the year I said I would stay after my mom died, is stressful in ways that I do not have a place of my own. I look around and see my mom everywhere and I am a source of therapy (chat therapy) for my dad and this in turn bears more weight. Not that I don’t want to listen because I do, but because I have yet to work through everything. I have to leave soon for both our sakes. I find myself not wanting to converse and I often just hangout in my room (that’s not really even my room) just to get away from the television being constantly on. And you know what? It is my dad’s house and he should be able to have the television on 24/7 if that is what he wants. He is a GREAT dad and a loving dad but it is time to leave so we can both move forward independently.
The problem is I don’t want to stay in the Cleveland area but my family is here. I have grown somewhat attached to them and I like spending time with them. I know that I do not want to be in this area anymore. I want to travel again, live different places and explore more wilderness. Yet I am tired of traveling alone. I have done it for so long that I have lost a little bit of love for it. Also as much as I love my little home on wheels it is too small now. I need room to stand, stretch and breathe. Getting a new vehicle requires a job, a job requires permanence in one place AND I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I WANT TO LIVE PERMANENTLY!!! I really thought that at this point in my life I would be sharing my travels with my soulmate. I have yet to meet him.
What I do love about Cleveland is coming to the lake every morning. Today I am here without the pup and I feel bad admitting that it is more peaceful without her on the constant squirrel hunt. Wherever I move I know that I will miss my mornings with Lake Erie. It is the one constant in my life that never fails to comfort me.
Later this afternoon I have a second job interview with a wilderness therapy company up in Wisconsin. This is a position that will suit me wonderfully but I am not so sure about Wisconsin winters. It is mid March here in north east Ohio and I have cabin fever. I want sunshine, warm sunshine. I want leaves on the trees and my paddle board in the lake. I want thunderstorms and rainbows, goslings waddling around, deck furniture out to sit on, beers on restaurant patios and most of all I want to watch the sun rise and set over Lake Erie. I honestly do not know if I could bear a Wisconsin winter when I can hardly bear a Cleveland one anymore.
I am up at the lake right now, coffee in hand and listening to the coming and going of waves and light traffic (it is the morning commute). Birds are chirping and love is in the air. Oh let me not get started on love. I’ll save that for another post. Although I will say that I am still very picky. I am not looking for the perfect man, just the right one for me. Strong, kind and adventurous.
I think also I know that when I do leave my dad’s house and start my own life again I will be faced with the past three years. I don’t want to forget them but I am tired of reliving them in my head and I know when I am by myself there will be a lot emotions to go through. It is all these things that keep me in the mud but I want out. I want to be on level ground and in a healthy independent new life. Like the one I had three and a half years ago but better.
“For everyone who is still looking for their person, do not adjust who you are or make yourself smaller to find them. Be patient and never settle for anything less than you deserve. Your person is coming and sometimes — they’ve been standing in front of you the whole time.”