On a scale from 1-10, ten being the happiest ever and one being not happy at all, how genuinely happy are you? Post pandemic I am a six. Pre-pandemic I was a nine. I had a dreams, goals and a plan for making it all happen. Life was amazing and exciting! Presently life is just muddling through. There are different areas of life currently with different values greater or less than the overall six but generally I am a six. Here is why I think I am a six.

(some of this may be a bit redundant from previous posts but it really helps me to write it out…thanks for being patient with me)

Friendships.

I love people but I lately I have lost my faith in a lot of people. Over the past few years I have ended friendships with people who have not put in the same effort as me. I know everyone has different schedules and may be at different points in ones life but staying true to a friendship no matter the time passed doesn’t seem to be important to a lot of people. For example during the pandemic I tried hard to stay in touch with friends. We all know the days seemed to drag on and for some the days were monotonous and at times there was nothing to report really. But just checking in on one another felt like the right thing to do especially during uncertain times. One good friend in particular admitted to not calling because she had nothing new to say. Okay I get that, to a point. In mid January 2021 we spoke and I told her my mother was in the ICU due to Covid. She expressed sympathy but that was about it. Nine days went past until she called again to see how my mother was doing. During those nine days my mother had passed away. I was angry with my friend. Angry that she didn’t call to see how my mom or I was doing. Angry that she didn’t keep in better touch during that time as a whole. Angry that after 30 years of friendship she sent a lousy sympathy card then a few weeks later asked if I still wanted the Girl Scout cookies my mother had ordered. In her defense after she did find out my mom had died she texted me and offered to call. I immediately said no. I am so sick of people just texting. Thinking of the whole scenario now makes me well up with tears. If the tables were turned I would have just called. I would have sent flowers, I would have sent food, I would have done something for Pete’s sake besides send a half ass sympathy card. I did call her out on her “crappy friendship” and she did apologized and tried to own it…in a text. That is when I realized that our friendship was no longer the one I had cherished for a most of our adolescent and adult lives.

Guilt.

When my dad and I were leaving to go the hospital to have a family meeting with the doctors about what my mom would want and the decision my dad would have to make, he turned to me as he was stepping out of the door and asked me, “Promise me you’ll never leave me Lori. Promise me you won’t leave.” I told him I promise. After a while I was going to move out after 6 months, then it was a year and now it’s been a year and a half. I realized that I want to go and that my dad will have to figure out life without anyone in the house. Some people think I should stay and convert part of the house into a mother-in-law sweet. My siblings have been great in encouraging me to move and get on with my life and I so appreciate them for that. The guilt, oh the guilt. The thing is, it is my dad’s house. I fix and maintain things the best I can and urge him to fix or maintain the things I cannot. And to be honest that can be a real struggle. But I am ready for my own space and now that he is seeking therapy for his grief I feel like I can go.

Career.

I left my secure, decent paying job back at the end of January. It was definitely time to go and I don’t regret it. However, finding something that I like and something that does NOT require me to sit behind desk for twelve to sixteen hours a day is a real struggle. So I decided to take a nanny job for six months with the best little guy. I would like to find a part-time job so I may save to travel in the spring. Even though I have a solid plan I still feel like I should have a regular job with paid benefits. I wrestle with that a lot.

Romance.

I have not put myself out there in a few years. Too much was going on with family. Now I feel I would love to meet someone who wants to travel and live life with “secure spontaneity.” Lol.. does that even make sense?! To me it does. I want to be financially secure but not be afraid to live new places and try new things. If anyone knows of a great guy in his forties please comment below! lol..

My six is slowly on an upward swing. It is just taking self realization and time. I have to constantly remind myself that I am doing okay and now that I have dreams, goals and a plan again I have to be patient.

Five years ago I never thought I would be writing words like depression, guilt, sadness or saying my life is a six. You never envision the pain that comes with life nor it lasting as long but here I am being truthful with myself while still trying to be positive. Because even in my darkest moments these past few years I always have felt that life would be amazing in due time. The tunnel just happens to be a long one.

Love you all,

~L