Losing one parent is so hard. Losing both is heart breakingly deafening. There is a silence in my life now that will never go away. For someone like me, who feels it is so very important to be alone and quiet to reset and decompress, it is so hard to have this kind of silence. Right now, I CRAVE peace. I crave a quiet place to fall asleep to the sounds of only nature and to wake up to the same. My mind is a big bowl of spaghetti now with my thoughts looping and intertwining. I can’t make sense of anything. I feel like I start to find a way forward and then in an instant I lose it, and then I just go take a nap. I am for the most part on auto-pilot. The silence of my parents being gone is sickening awful. My loves, my soft places to land, my teachers, my protectors, my rocks on which to lean have gone home to somewhere and I cannot hear them. I cannot hear them. I cannot hear them! I have to go the rest of my life without their spoken words and that is *ucking awful. Their last days play on a loop in my mind. I received both of the doctors phone calls at the last moments of each of their lives and I relive those. The weight of it all makes me want to crawl under a rock and sleep. I do not know how to find their voices among the mess in my head. I do not know how to get joy back into my life.

I know there is always a light at the end of dark tunnels, and I can see a faint glimmer of light that shimmers. I just don’t know how to get there. I do know that I will get there.

I feel like this Jack Johnson song is what my spirit is saying to my human self…

Jack Johnson: No Other Way

When your mind is a mess, so is mine, I can’t sleep
‘Cause it hurts when I think, my thoughts aren’t at peace
With the plans that we make, chances we take
They’re not yours, they’re not mine

There’s waves that can’t break
All the words that we said and the words that we mean
Words can fall short, can’t see the unseen
‘Cause the world is awake for somebody’s sake
Now please close your eyes, woman, please get some sleep

And know that if I knew all of the answers
I would not hold them from you
Know all of the things that I know
We told each other there is no other way
Mm-mmm-mmm

Well, too much silence can be misleading
You’re drifting, I can hear it in the way that you’re breathing
We don’t really need to find reason
‘Cause out the same door that it came
Well, it’s leaving, it’s leaving

Leaving like a day that’s done a part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that’s just dead as the leaves
But at least we could sleep, it’s all that we need
When we wake we would find our minds would be free to go to sleep

And know that if I knew all of the answers
I would not hold them from you
Know all of the things that I know
‘Cause we told each other there is no other way
Mm-mmm-mmm.

Love,

~Lori Annie

Ti amo Momma

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