Author: Wildflowers Lori

My Seasons Are Changing

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A new season of life is upon me and I am trying to ease into it in a calm, self preserving, open minded, open hearted and accepting way.

Myself: My self embracing season. I am letting my gray hair grow wild, and I like what I see and, more so, how it makes me feel. I want to be the age I am now. I take care of my skin, and I love the way I look without makeup. Each woman chooses how she ages, and their own path is perfect for them. I myself have never wanted Botox, fillers, or cosmetic surgery. There is something so beautiful in the privilege of aging. I have no need to look younger than I am. I have made it this far, and I am proud of myself. I am growing to realize that I can no longer take the mechanics of my body for granted. I want to take care of my bones, muscles, heart, and mind. More books. My little sister is a librarian, and she and her daughter Ellie are bookworms, and they unknowingly inspire me to read more. A goal is a book a month..we’ll see hehehe 🤓

I have discovered a stillness too that is new to me. I used to fill every day off with adventures or road-trips. And while I still LOVE doing that, I am now feeling homier. Like I want to nestle in and be still in my dwelling. I want to create things that I never really wanted to before like cakes, decor and/or art. I have always wanted to do some type of woodworking or clay sculpting. I want to sip tea and enjoy my home and gaze at my beautiful pup that sleeps in weird positions..lol.

My dad: My amazing dad. A kid could not have asked for a better dad growing up, or mom for that matter. He is older now and needs his kids around to help him more and more. I have lived with him and my mom for five years at his request. First it was to help out with my mom. After she passed he didn’t want to be alone and I stayed for a while. I eventually felt the need for space and moved away to Colorado to regain my life but soon returned home because I love northeast Ohio and I missed my family. My dad has had several setbacks this past year and the time has come to help take care of him in a more hands on way. I told my dad that I would stay and help him for as long as he wanted to stay in his home. He told me his home is where he is comfortable and that he doesn’t want to leave it. Done. The challenge is keeping my peace and him keeping his. We are very similar and sometimes that can be an obstacle but we are learning to navigate this new road.

I want to be a tree. Changing with the seasons while remaining still and strong.

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

Remember The Summer We Became Best Friends…?

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It was the summer of 1997 when we became best friends. The thought of that summer still warms my heart and has me smiling as I remember all the freaking fun we had!

I was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar, that much is true… Oh wait hahaha. 🎶

I was working at a TGI Friday’s when I met you… that I know is true. 🎶

We worked together that summer having fun and wearing FLARE, lol! We hung out after work, outside of work and really really got along. As we laughed, drank and talked our way through the summer I remember thinking I was so happy to meet a really genuine guy especially after the break I had just gone through the year prior. I ADORED you…as a friend. I didn’t really see you in the romantic way and I didn’t think you saw me that way either. maybe I didn’t wanna cross the line between friendship and something else. Maybe I didn’t wanna acknowledge that something could be brewing.

Then one night, I forget where we were hanging out but I know it was with my high school best friend and her guy. Her guy may have been your friend you always hung out with at Friday’s and his name, I cannot remember for the life of me. Anyways we were all hanging out somewhere on the outskirts of town possibly in the country, who knows. But I remember my high school bestie telling me that you told her, you had feelings for me. I was like, no way, him and I are just friends! Then after that night when we would hang out it became clearer that you did, and I did too. She watered a seed that I didn’t know was there . From that point it was on. You and I would go for drives in your blue old truck and make out on abandoned roads (that now are developments lol).

We almost did it on one of those roads but we decided to wait and not make it so cheap and icky. I remembering driving to your university late a night just to sneak into bed with you. I loved being in your bunk trying to talk quietly as your roommate slept.

I remember rollerblading through the park down a hill that was insanely steep for me and thinking I’d crash into the trees. But you promised me you wouldn’t let that happen and I trusted you.

Trust.

I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind that don’t know if I trusted someone the same way since.

You dude were the real deal. Romantic…writing love letters from Florence. Oh the long distance phone bills I racked up calling Italy and talking for hours. My parents were ready to kill me. LOL You were TOTALLY into ska and dressed the part sometimes too. I loved that you weren’t afraid to be your own authentic person at the young age of twenty/twenty one. And the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me, when my Italian grandma passed you kindly gave me back the letters that she helped me write to you in Italian.

Had I known how special you were maybe I would have made different choices. However when one comes out of an emotionally abusive relationship one just can’t tell what is true and what is false.

You were meant to come into my life to set the example of what an HONEST, cool and kind guy could be.

Thank you. After all these years I remember your kind and generous heart.

~L

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

~Rumi

R-you were the light.

A Smile

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It was in the midst of covid in 2021. I was going to a therapy appointment to seek help on how to deal with my mother’s passing and navigating the emotional promise I made my dad when he made me promise that I would never leave him. Ugh the battle that has been going on since February 2, 2021.

Anyways I was checking in for my appointment in a Lyndhurst office when the man behind the counter asked me if I worked at main campus. I said yes I do. He then gave me the sweetest compliment I have ever received. He said that he worked there as well in the same building as me and that he recognized me even with a face mask on because I would always smile and say hello to him every morning and that he knew it was me this particular day because even with a mask on he remembered how my eyes smiled.

I often pass by people who aren’t smiling. You can tell they are upset, preoccupied or zoned out. I will 99.9% of the time smile and say hello. What I love is when a beautiful smile cracks across their face and they soften and say hello back. I really do wish more people could initiate a smile and a hello. They go so very far in making one feel good, feel seen and feel love from a stranger.

I love the way my pup smiles at me when I come home from work. I love the smiles of my nieces and nephews. I miss my mom’s beautiful slightly crooked smile (I have the same one 💛). I love my dad’s funny “Hi how are ya?” smile. My sister Lisa and a pretty soft sweet smile. My brother Donnie has a big genuine smile, think Santa Claus. My little sister Lana….well her smile is contagious in-person but in pictures she looks..ugh.. constipated. LOL… Love you Lana! Hahahaha..

I dated a man a long long time ago that I fell for instantly because when he turned around to say hello for the first time his smile was big and kind and just melted me. I knew from that very moment he’d be in my life for a little while.

“Children learn to smile from their parents.” ~Shinichi Suzuki

“Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.” ~Mother Teresa

“I have witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile.” ~Goldie Hawn

“Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” ~Phyllis Diller

“Wrinkles only go where the smiles have been.” ~Jimmy Buffet

~L



…that I missed you

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I dreamt about you the other night. This one was not as nice as the others you have shown up in. Nonetheless you showed up. Yesterday and the day before I could not stop feeling you around me. The feeling felt so real that I had started talking to you asking what these feelings were all about.

I could see and feel the warmth of your smile. Duuuuuude I loved your smile and the way your eyes crinkled up when you did smile. And most lovely of all was that I could see myself burying my face into the side of your neck. And the hug…oh the tight warm hug. Home. You felt like home.

I don’t understand these feelings. I don’t know where they are coming from. What I do know is that I have felt them over the years. Once in a while people would ask me about you and I would reply with all things to the contrary of what I was actually thinking or feeling. Anything to make myself feel safe from the realness of what I really felt.

That I missed you.

That I miss you.

~L

“There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground; there are a thousand ways to go home again.” ~Rumi

When the past becomes present.

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Deeeeeeep breath…..

Long pause.

You are here again.

Not physically but warmly emotional.

I feel you, your spirit.

Kneeling down in meditation beside you from afar.

Tears forming from a warm understanding love.

Love that went dormant but has started to make itself known again.

Known in the most affable of ways.

~L

Do You Remember the Coffee?

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Thoughts of worry. I haven’t seen you or even spoken to you in so long. My dreams are so vivid that I know they are real within the dream itself. Several weeks ago in my dream we just happened to bump into each other in Montana. You were fly fishing and I was rambling through the area. It was complete happenstance. The cowboy hat atop your head didn’t quite seem like a right fit but then again it has been so long maybe your tastes have changed. As you were fishing you looked so happy, like BEAMING happy as you stood alone on that great Montana river in the warm bright sunshine. The smile that cracked across your face sent so many memories rushing to my head. You were always handsome. I feel like you knew it but couldn’t always completely believe it. You asked how I was and I hesitated before telling you I was going through a divorce. Funny because we both know that I don’t believe in legalities of marriage. It was almost as if our roles were reversed. Instead of fishing though I would have been listening to the plants and animals and feeling the wind around me as I sat on the banks of the river. That wasn’t the first dream. There have been many very real dreams.

This morning, as I was driving to get my cappuccino on the way to the lake, feelings of worry began to take hold out of nowhere. Deep, sad worry. I worried about you and your feelings. This is your second time around, and I remember you telling me how hard your first time around was. I ask myself how and why these feelings come up. Why do they hold space in my chest? Space for someone that I haven’t spoken to in many, many years. Yet here they are. As my eyes teared up, I asked you to stay, please stay. I don’t know what I meant by that. Maybe that you are incredibly important for this world.

~L

Quiet Morning

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Snow is covering the patio furniture that I just put out a week ago when it was 70 degrees and sunny. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I just couldn’t wait to sit outside with a cup of coffee and crossword while basking in the morning sun. Well the sun is hiding this morning so I am tucked in bed with a cup of coffee, my hound Lula snoring next to me and the crossword. Which I was doing well at until I wasn’t. But it is always a good idea to let it rest and then come back to it later as some of the answers come to me. What a metaphor for life eh?

I have a birthday coming up and the only thing I really want is a hot plate to keep my mug of whatever hot so that while I am sitting in bed, at the table or outside so my whatever (coffee, tea or hot water with lemon) stays hot.

It has been a while since I have been on here. I have since moved back from Colorado, went back to work at the hospital and moved back home until I purchase a home of sorts.

Colorado was beautiful. The job however was not feasible but I am glad I checked off that item on my bucket list. Working for the national parks would have best worked out for me if I had started in my twenties. Getting paid in sunsets at 46 years old is not doable for me. Also I know this is going to sound like a “oh woe is me” thing to some but I will say it anyways. I HATED working five days a week. The drudgery was sucking my soul dry. Give me three twelves and four days off and I am a happy gal. The sunrises out the windows of the patients rooms are gorgeous and the sunsets walking out of work are gorgeous!

Moving away last year helped me tremendously. I was able to discover a few of things that have helped me feel more settled internally than I have ever felt before.

  1. I am finally content knowing that I will probably never feel content. What I mean is that I have accepted who I am. I know longer feel like I am chasing my life down. I am content in knowing that I am who I am and do not feel the need to subscribe to certain timelines or norms. I always used to feel there was something wrong with me about not wanting to be married, or being uber successful. I do not love concept of marriage. And as far as success goes….one’s uber success can look much different to another’s. I cannot compare my life to others because we are all individuals on our own journeys. But I know now that I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not have anything to prove even to myself. I am who I am with room to grow, learn and love. I am right where I need to be in this moment.
  2. I am content being alone/single. While I would love to live out my dreams with a man that I love, I know I am peaceful and I am content with living them out on my own. I love myself and my place in the world like I have never have before. I love my personality, my spirit, my growth, my mind, my body, my everything. I am enough for this life. Having a partner to share my already fulfilling life would be an added wonderful and loving second cup of coffee to my day. But I am no longer trying to make it fit for “us” nor changing myself to fit the relationship nor seeking one out the way I used to.
  3. Lula. She is single handedly the best being that has come into my life in a very long time. I never thought I had time or space for a dog. I was always running around, traveling or working. However while I was working as a park ranger at the front gate of a national park I saw a TON of people traveling with their pets. I am talking all sorts of pets, from dogs to parrots, hedgehogs to snakes. And sooo many cats just lying atop the sunny dashboards! lol. I kept saying to my coworkers that I was going to adopt a pup and then I’d show up empty handed. Well one weekend the La Plata County Humane Society was over crowed and so I went up there. I walked in without a clue as to which pup I was interested in. With their help I found Lula. She had just had puppies two months before and the last pup was adopted out a week before I went to the shelter. Her and I had our meet and greet and she sat in my lap while she waited to see if the handler was coming back. We went for a little walk and off we went..home. I do not know how a lucked out with such an amazing, loyal, sweet, gentle, quiet, loving, energetic and cuddly best friend but I did. She now lives in the lap of luxury and is 110% spoiled everyday. She has added such love and companionship to my life. She is my soul pup.

~L

~L

“I believe in kindness. Also in mischief. Also in singing, especially when singing is not necessarily prescribed.”
― Mary Oliver

Muscle Memory

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When I was younger I left without a fleeing thought. I was free and uninhibited. My parents were young, my brother and sisters just starting their own families. I didn’t think twice about setting out and blindly exploring new places, people and things. I CRAVED new experiences and could not wait to get out of Ohio. Not that I didn’t like Ohio I just knew I couldn’t stay in one place my entire life.

I have moved away from my hometown three times in my life. Once when I was 18 and desperate to get out in the world and moved to Florida only to return home a year later. Again when I was 29 moving out to California to pursue my dream of becoming a white water rafting guide only to get into a white water accident. Then post accident finding work and living in Venice Beach and San Fransisco for almost six years.

Now moving away this time was tad bit harder. I have grown incredibly close with my siblings. It is hard knowing that I won’t be there for soccer games, track meets and color guard performances during Friday night football halftime shows. Sometimes I would just pop over to my younger sisters because I need “baby lovin'” even though the babies are now ten and eight years old. After hard days or emotional times I would go get hugs and cuddles and instantly feel better. 💛 But even with all of the above I knew it was time again for me to leave. I needed to be alone. Alone to travel, to be with my own thoughts and process these past four years.

So I took a job out west.

As I pulled out of the driveway teary-eyed, I knew I had made the right decision. Yet once I was on the road nothing felt right. I have not been on a road trip for four years. I used to take a massive road trip every year to discover new places and just be free. If I didn’t I would go mad..lol. It has been an emotionally heavy four years and I feel my mind is still a bit cloudy. I thought that once I hit the road all the joy, excitement and adventure would just come rushing back but it didn’t. At least not for the first full day. That first day felt like I was just going on a day trip even though I had driven from Cleveland, OH to just past St. Louis, MO. That’d be quite a day trip hahaha..!

I pulled into a Missouri state park and tucked into a spot across from the nice campground host. They were just going to bed when they saw me driving back and forth looking for a good spot to sleep. The husband came out to say hello and give me some info about the park and kindly left their R.V. lights on for me so I wouldn’t be in getting situated in the dark.

When I woke up the next morning I felt a shift. I was excited and could not wait to get a cup of coffee and consult my Rand McNally! GPS is great but if you can’t read a map and something happens to your phone then you’re screwed.

It was like muscle memory had FINALLY emerged! The naturalness of road tripping, the excitement of watching the landscape change over the course of a few hours, the coffee sitting beside me as I wait for it to cool down, it all felt incredibly FREEING!!!!

I. WAS. BACK!!!

Over the next two days it was as if the road-trip gods, meaning my sweet momma in heaven, cleared the path for good weather and smooth drive. ☺️ I could drive for hours upon hours when it is just me in the car but for some reason when I am the passenger on a road trip I get restless and want to stop and look around at things. But when it is just me I have to remind myself to pull over and stretch my legs and go for a walk…lol.

Even though the excitement returned I couldn’t help but feel that I should be crying. Sobbing in grief that I hadn’t fully dealt with. I thought once I was on the road alone with my thoughts that the gates would let loose a flood of emotions. But they didn’t. Maybe my momma kept them at bay and wanted me to have a beautiful trip. Plus she always told not to drive upset or crying 😆 Thanks Momma 💛

It is good to know I haven’t lost my love of traveling..

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Flex-a-bil-ity…..

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Man am I becoming flex-i-ble! I have now been in limbo more times than I can count in my life.

Me: Ooooh I think I’ll make plans for my future! Yay I have a plan!! My life is going to be soooo awesome!

Universe: Bahahahaha….yeah right.. here lady, this is a card for you to take to the next “life window”. When they call your number go up and tell them what you want and they will tell you what you are getting. But first there is a long wait before they will even call your number so get comfy here on this hard chair in this glass room with endless gray skies overhead.

Now-a-days I just sit back, accept the ride, get depressed and then remember who I was 5 years ago and say “screw this” I am going to call my own number. So I did about a month ago. Now however, I have to sit and wait to see if my future is going to be what I am dreaming about once again. Darn “life window”…it is open but has a reinforced screen that I cannot break through yet but I can feel the open air breeze..

I should know my fate in 1-3 weeks. Stay tuned.

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Peace You Bring

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Your waves today are low and swift yet gently wind blown.

Your water is turning a greenish blue-gray as it does every year about now.

The trees that secure the ridge that meet you at the shore are bare and exposed.

They are not lonely though.

The nests of year round residents of fluffy squirrels in their sturdy self built homes are made in the crooks of the trees out stretched arms.

They are kept safe by the strong old trees.

The ridge is kept safe by the strong old trees.

You water the trees with your very presence.

Such a tight knit ecosystem.

Everyone takes care of each other.

The sky is pale blue gray and is hanging low.

The seagulls fly against the wind.

The fish dance below your surface as the birds dance above.

On the grayest days that fill my head, when I come to you the sun shines through.

~L