Remember The Summer We Became Best Friends…?

It was the summer of 1997 when we became best friends. The thought of that summer still warms my heart and has me smiling as I remember all the freaking fun we had!

I was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar, that much is true… Oh wait hahaha. 🎶

I was working at a TGI Friday’s when I met you… that I know is true. 🎶

We worked together that summer having fun and wearing FLARE, lol! We hung out after work, outside of work and really really got along. As we laughed, drank and talked our way through the summer I remember thinking I was so happy to meet a really genuine guy especially after the break I had just gone through the year prior. I ADORED you…as a friend. I didn’t really see you in the romantic way and I didn’t think you saw me that way either. maybe I didn’t wanna cross the line between friendship and something else. Maybe I didn’t wanna acknowledge that something could be brewing.

Then one night, I forget where we were hanging out but I know it was with my high school best friend and her guy. Her guy may have been your friend you always hung out with at Friday’s and his name, I cannot remember for the life of me. Anyways we were all hanging out somewhere on the outskirts of town possibly in the country, who knows. But I remember my high school bestie telling me that you told her, you had feelings for me. I was like, no way, him and I are just friends! Then after that night when we would hang out it became clearer that you did, and I did too. She watered a seed that I didn’t know was there . From that point it was on. You and I would go for drives in your blue old truck and make out on abandoned roads (that now are developments lol).

We almost did it on one of those roads but we decided to wait and not make it so cheap and icky. I remembering driving to your university late a night just to sneak into bed with you. I loved being in your bunk trying to talk quietly as your roommate slept.

I remember rollerblading through the park down a hill that was insanely steep for me and thinking I’d crash into the trees. But you promised me you wouldn’t let that happen and I trusted you.

Trust.

I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind that don’t know if I trusted someone the same way since.

You dude were the real deal. Romantic…writing love letters from Florence. Oh the long distance phone bills I racked up calling Italy and talking for hours. My parents were ready to kill me. LOL You were TOTALLY into ska and dressed the part sometimes too. I loved that you weren’t afraid to be your own authentic person at the young age of twenty/twenty one. And the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me, when my Italian grandma passed you kindly gave me back the letters that she helped me write to you in Italian.

Had I known how special you were maybe I would have made different choices. However when one comes out of an emotionally abusive relationship one just can’t tell what is true and what is false.

You were meant to come into my life to set the example of what an HONEST, cool and kind guy could be.

Thank you. After all these years I remember your kind and generous heart.

~L

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

~Rumi

R-you were the light.

A Smile

It was in the midst of covid in 2021. I was going to a therapy appointment to seek help on how to deal with my mother’s passing and navigating the emotional promise I made my dad when he made me promise that I would never leave him. Ugh the battle that has been going on since February 2, 2021.

Anyways I was checking in for my appointment in a Lyndhurst office when the man behind the counter asked me if I worked at main campus. I said yes I do. He then gave me the sweetest compliment I have ever received. He said that he worked there as well in the same building as me and that he recognized me even with a face mask on because I would always smile and say hello to him every morning and that he knew it was me this particular day because even with a mask on he remembered how my eyes smiled.

I often pass by people who aren’t smiling. You can tell they are upset, preoccupied or zoned out. I will 99.9% of the time smile and say hello. What I love is when a beautiful smile cracks across their face and they soften and say hello back. I really do wish more people could initiate a smile and a hello. They go so very far in making one feel good, feel seen and feel love from a stranger.

I love the way my pup smiles at me when I come home from work. I love the smiles of my nieces and nephews. I miss my mom’s beautiful slightly crooked smile (I have the same one 💛). I love my dad’s funny “Hi how are ya?” smile. My sister Lisa and a pretty soft sweet smile. My brother Donnie has a big genuine smile, think Santa Claus. My little sister Lana….well her smile is contagious in-person but in pictures she looks..ugh.. constipated. LOL… Love you Lana! Hahahaha..

I dated a man a long long time ago that I fell for instantly because when he turned around to say hello for the first time his smile was big and kind and just melted me. I knew from that very moment he’d be in my life for a little while.

“Children learn to smile from their parents.” ~Shinichi Suzuki

“Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.” ~Mother Teresa

“I have witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile.” ~Goldie Hawn

“Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” ~Phyllis Diller

“Wrinkles only go where the smiles have been.” ~Jimmy Buffet

~L



…that I missed you

I dreamt about you the other night. This one was not as nice as the others you have shown up in. Nonetheless you showed up. Yesterday and the day before I could not stop feeling you around me. The feeling felt so real that I had started talking to you asking what these feelings were all about.

I could see and feel the warmth of your smile. Duuuuuude I loved your smile and the way your eyes crinkled up when you did smile. And most lovely of all was that I could see myself burying my face into the side of your neck. And the hug…oh the tight warm hug. Home. You felt like home.

I don’t understand these feelings. I don’t know where they are coming from. What I do know is that I have felt them over the years. Once in a while people would ask me about you and I would reply with all things to the contrary of what I was actually thinking or feeling. Anything to make myself feel safe from the realness of what I really felt.

That I missed you.

That I miss you.

~L

“There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground; there are a thousand ways to go home again.” ~Rumi

When the past becomes present.

Deeeeeeep breath…..

Long pause.

You are here again.

Not physically but warmly emotional.

I feel you, your spirit.

Kneeling down in meditation beside you from afar.

Tears forming from a warm understanding love.

Love that went dormant but has started to make itself known again.

Known in the most affable of ways.

~L

Do You Remember the Coffee?

Thoughts of worry. I haven’t seen you or even spoken to you in so long. My dreams are so vivid that I know they are real within the dream itself. Several weeks ago in my dream we just happened to bump into each other in Montana. You were fly fishing and I was rambling through the area. It was complete happenstance. The cowboy hat atop your head didn’t quite seem like a right fit but then again it has been so long maybe your tastes have changed. As you were fishing you looked so happy, like BEAMING happy as you stood alone on that great Montana river in the warm bright sunshine. The smile that cracked across your face sent so many memories rushing to my head. You were always handsome. I feel like you knew it but couldn’t always completely believe it. You asked how I was and I hesitated before telling you I was going through a divorce. Funny because we both know that I don’t believe in legalities of marriage. It was almost as if our roles were reversed. Instead of fishing though I would have been listening to the plants and animals and feeling the wind around me as I sat on the banks of the river. That wasn’t the first dream. There have been many very real dreams.

This morning, as I was driving to get my cappuccino on the way to the lake, feelings of worry began to take hold out of nowhere. Deep, sad worry. I worried about you and your feelings. This is your second time around, and I remember you telling me how hard your first time around was. I ask myself how and why these feelings come up. Why do they hold space in my chest? Space for someone that I haven’t spoken to in many, many years. Yet here they are. As my eyes teared up, I asked you to stay, please stay. I don’t know what I meant by that. Maybe that you are incredibly important for this world.

~L

Quiet Morning

Snow is covering the patio furniture that I just put out a week ago when it was 70 degrees and sunny. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I just couldn’t wait to sit outside with a cup of coffee and crossword while basking in the morning sun. Well the sun is hiding this morning so I am tucked in bed with a cup of coffee, my hound Lula snoring next to me and the crossword. Which I was doing well at until I wasn’t. But it is always a good idea to let it rest and then come back to it later as some of the answers come to me. What a metaphor for life eh?

I have a birthday coming up and the only thing I really want is a hot plate to keep my mug of whatever hot so that while I am sitting in bed, at the table or outside so my whatever (coffee, tea or hot water with lemon) stays hot.

It has been a while since I have been on here. I have since moved back from Colorado, went back to work at the hospital and moved back home until I purchase a home of sorts.

Colorado was beautiful. The job however was not feasible but I am glad I checked off that item on my bucket list. Working for the national parks would have best worked out for me if I had started in my twenties. Getting paid in sunsets at 46 years old is not doable for me. Also I know this is going to sound like a “oh woe is me” thing to some but I will say it anyways. I HATED working five days a week. The drudgery was sucking my soul dry. Give me three twelves and four days off and I am a happy gal. The sunrises out the windows of the patients rooms are gorgeous and the sunsets walking out of work are gorgeous!

Moving away last year helped me tremendously. I was able to discover a few of things that have helped me feel more settled internally than I have ever felt before.

  1. I am finally content knowing that I will probably never feel content. What I mean is that I have accepted who I am. I know longer feel like I am chasing my life down. I am content in knowing that I am who I am and do not feel the need to subscribe to certain timelines or norms. I always used to feel there was something wrong with me about not wanting to be married, or being uber successful. I do not love concept of marriage. And as far as success goes….one’s uber success can look much different to another’s. I cannot compare my life to others because we are all individuals on our own journeys. But I know now that I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not have anything to prove even to myself. I am who I am with room to grow, learn and love. I am right where I need to be in this moment.
  2. I am content being alone/single. While I would love to live out my dreams with a man that I love, I know I am peaceful and I am content with living them out on my own. I love myself and my place in the world like I have never have before. I love my personality, my spirit, my growth, my mind, my body, my everything. I am enough for this life. Having a partner to share my already fulfilling life would be an added wonderful and loving second cup of coffee to my day. But I am no longer trying to make it fit for “us” nor changing myself to fit the relationship nor seeking one out the way I used to.
  3. Lula. She is single handedly the best being that has come into my life in a very long time. I never thought I had time or space for a dog. I was always running around, traveling or working. However while I was working as a park ranger at the front gate of a national park I saw a TON of people traveling with their pets. I am talking all sorts of pets, from dogs to parrots, hedgehogs to snakes. And sooo many cats just lying atop the sunny dashboards! lol. I kept saying to my coworkers that I was going to adopt a pup and then I’d show up empty handed. Well one weekend the La Plata County Humane Society was over crowed and so I went up there. I walked in without a clue as to which pup I was interested in. With their help I found Lula. She had just had puppies two months before and the last pup was adopted out a week before I went to the shelter. Her and I had our meet and greet and she sat in my lap while she waited to see if the handler was coming back. We went for a little walk and off we went..home. I do not know how a lucked out with such an amazing, loyal, sweet, gentle, quiet, loving, energetic and cuddly best friend but I did. She now lives in the lap of luxury and is 110% spoiled everyday. She has added such love and companionship to my life. She is my soul pup.

~L

~L

“I believe in kindness. Also in mischief. Also in singing, especially when singing is not necessarily prescribed.”
― Mary Oliver

Muscle Memory

When I was younger I left without a fleeing thought. I was free and uninhibited. My parents were young, my brother and sisters just starting their own families. I didn’t think twice about setting out and blindly exploring new places, people and things. I CRAVED new experiences and could not wait to get out of Ohio. Not that I didn’t like Ohio I just knew I couldn’t stay in one place my entire life.

I have moved away from my hometown three times in my life. Once when I was 18 and desperate to get out in the world and moved to Florida only to return home a year later. Again when I was 29 moving out to California to pursue my dream of becoming a white water rafting guide only to get into a white water accident. Then post accident finding work and living in Venice Beach and San Fransisco for almost six years.

Now moving away this time was tad bit harder. I have grown incredibly close with my siblings. It is hard knowing that I won’t be there for soccer games, track meets and color guard performances during Friday night football halftime shows. Sometimes I would just pop over to my younger sisters because I need “baby lovin'” even though the babies are now ten and eight years old. After hard days or emotional times I would go get hugs and cuddles and instantly feel better. 💛 But even with all of the above I knew it was time again for me to leave. I needed to be alone. Alone to travel, to be with my own thoughts and process these past four years.

So I took a job out west.

As I pulled out of the driveway teary-eyed, I knew I had made the right decision. Yet once I was on the road nothing felt right. I have not been on a road trip for four years. I used to take a massive road trip every year to discover new places and just be free. If I didn’t I would go mad..lol. It has been an emotionally heavy four years and I feel my mind is still a bit cloudy. I thought that once I hit the road all the joy, excitement and adventure would just come rushing back but it didn’t. At least not for the first full day. That first day felt like I was just going on a day trip even though I had driven from Cleveland, OH to just past St. Louis, MO. That’d be quite a day trip hahaha..!

I pulled into a Missouri state park and tucked into a spot across from the nice campground host. They were just going to bed when they saw me driving back and forth looking for a good spot to sleep. The husband came out to say hello and give me some info about the park and kindly left their R.V. lights on for me so I wouldn’t be in getting situated in the dark.

When I woke up the next morning I felt a shift. I was excited and could not wait to get a cup of coffee and consult my Rand McNally! GPS is great but if you can’t read a map and something happens to your phone then you’re screwed.

It was like muscle memory had FINALLY emerged! The naturalness of road tripping, the excitement of watching the landscape change over the course of a few hours, the coffee sitting beside me as I wait for it to cool down, it all felt incredibly FREEING!!!!

I. WAS. BACK!!!

Over the next two days it was as if the road-trip gods, meaning my sweet momma in heaven, cleared the path for good weather and smooth drive. ☺️ I could drive for hours upon hours when it is just me in the car but for some reason when I am the passenger on a road trip I get restless and want to stop and look around at things. But when it is just me I have to remind myself to pull over and stretch my legs and go for a walk…lol.

Even though the excitement returned I couldn’t help but feel that I should be crying. Sobbing in grief that I hadn’t fully dealt with. I thought once I was on the road alone with my thoughts that the gates would let loose a flood of emotions. But they didn’t. Maybe my momma kept them at bay and wanted me to have a beautiful trip. Plus she always told not to drive upset or crying 😆 Thanks Momma 💛

It is good to know I haven’t lost my love of traveling..

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Flex-a-bil-ity…..

Man am I becoming flex-i-ble! I have now been in limbo more times than I can count in my life.

Me: Ooooh I think I’ll make plans for my future! Yay I have a plan!! My life is going to be soooo awesome!

Universe: Bahahahaha….yeah right.. here lady, this is a card for you to take to the next “life window”. When they call your number go up and tell them what you want and they will tell you what you are getting. But first there is a long wait before they will even call your number so get comfy here on this hard chair in this glass room with endless gray skies overhead.

Now-a-days I just sit back, accept the ride, get depressed and then remember who I was 5 years ago and say “screw this” I am going to call my own number. So I did about a month ago. Now however, I have to sit and wait to see if my future is going to be what I am dreaming about once again. Darn “life window”…it is open but has a reinforced screen that I cannot break through yet but I can feel the open air breeze..

I should know my fate in 1-3 weeks. Stay tuned.

~L

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Peace You Bring


Your waves today are low and swift yet gently wind blown.

Your water is turning a greenish blue-gray as it does every year about now.

The trees that secure the ridge that meet you at the shore are bare and exposed.

They are not lonely though.

The nests of year round residents of fluffy squirrels in their sturdy self built homes are made in the crooks of the trees out stretched arms.

They are kept safe by the strong old trees.

The ridge is kept safe by the strong old trees.

You water the trees with your very presence.

Such a tight knit ecosystem.

Everyone takes care of each other.

The sky is pale blue gray and is hanging low.

The seagulls fly against the wind.

The fish dance below your surface as the birds dance above.

On the grayest days that fill my head, when I come to you the sun shines through.

~L

Reoccurring Dream of living back in California…


I often dream I am living back on the west coast. In my dreams I am usually driving from the airport to my last residence in Venice Beach. In my dream I say to myself, “It is for real this time. I am back here. Wow…” While living in California I lived a feeeew different places and made so many good friends. A brief rundown… 🌊

My first home was the Kings River in Sequoia/Kings Canyon National Park. While this home was short lived it was my first home out there. During my brief stay I camped along the river with other white water students. We trained all day in the freezing cold water and at night we would peel off our wetsuits and attempt to dry them on a clothes line but it was April and the weather was rainy, damp and cold! After taking care of rafts and other equipment we would cook together, play music and just have a load of fun! My plan was to live on the river and be a guide. That was the whole reason for me leaving everything and everyone in Ohio. A new life, new adventure and away from the monotony. However things did not quite work out the way I had so meticulously planned. Do they ever? After an accident on the water during white water guide school I moved to Los Angeles. Not wanting to go back to Ohio a couple weeks after I arrived I searched a newly popular website called Craigslist and I found my first job in L.A.

My second home was on an air mattress in a very small studio apartment in Hollywood. A gal I met during guide school lived in L.A. and offered me a place to crash until I could find a job and a place to live. For about a week it was her, her boyfriend, their dog and myself in a space about the size of a Prius. She took me around Hollywood to show me the sight and we had lunch at the famous Hollywood Canteen. She was an aspiring actress and was going from audition to audition but she was kind enough to show me around.

After about a week or two I Ianded a job taking care of a cute elderly couple in Brentwood Glen. They were grounded members of their community and I learned a lot from them. With them I was able to go to movies at the Writers Guild Theater, learn about old t.v. and radio and soak in their stories of L.A. from long ago. Unfortunately after a month the wife’s care exceeded what one person could handle.

So my third home was yet another brief stay at the home of a nice lady who was my relief caregiver on the two days I had off from taking care of the elderly couple. I had two days where I would get ten hours off each. I wish I could remember her name as she was so kind to me. She had been a caregiver for a long time and knew that the couple were going to need more help than the son wanted to pay for. So after the job ended she offered me a spare bedroom in her beautiful Pasadena apartment. I loved everything about Pasadena except for the fact that is far from the beach, time wise..lol. I remember she listened to smooth jazz and that on a couple of occasions I accompanied her down to Mexico to see her dentist in Tijuana. Health care was much cheaper there at that time and she paid out of pocket 😳. I stayed there about a month until I found…

Venice Vibe Tribe. But first…I scoured the Craigslist roommate search and went to check out a couple of apartments. I almost took a place right by LAX and I am so glad I didn’t because the next place I checked was pure freaking magic! I called a number and a man answered, “Venice Vibe Tribe this is Bobby.” The ad said there was a one bedroom for rent but it turns out it was one bedroom in a commune. Bobby was very cool and kind. When he told me the single room had been rented out but there were some bunks available I kindly declined. He said you seem like a chill gal from the midwest and we’d love to have that energy here. Plus he liked the fact that by that point I was working back in health care and I wasn’t someone trying to “make it in the business” and he said just come visit before I make a decision and so I did.

I arrived at an address on Penmar Ave in Venice Beach. It was a normal looking house in a quirky residential neighborhood. A neighbor down the street had a house completely covered in mosaic tiles. Bobby answered the door and I couldn’t believe the place. It was light and airy, musical instruments were hanging on the the living room walls and white see through curtains were blowing in the breeze. The kitchen was very clean with a beautiful blue tiled countertop and burnt orangish/red Spanish clay tile floors. The living room was small but organized. Then Bobby took me through small but wide hallway that had one set of bunk beds on the left, a massage table (someone’s bed) and one other set of bunk beds on the right that were covered with privacy curtains like you’d have on a tour bus. Though this hallway I was led into the bunk room. The bunk room had about six or seven bunk beds. From there there was a patio door that led out to the backyard. Set up on the concrete patio backyard were pods. About four pods that were 8×8 approximately and covered with canvas. One person per pod and they were coveted because they were private. The mocking bird that lived in tree above the pods was a cute but a very annoying neighbor…hahaha. 🤣

Needless to say I was in awe of everything. Coming from Ohio I was quite giddy about trying something totally new. I was so excited to be out of the normal humdrum of suburban boredom. Living in a commune were everyone held day jobs (it was a requirement) and everyone pitched in, worked on the house together, cooked meals together, lived together, hungout and really just vibed together was such an enormous gift. Instead of living with one roommate, I had 18 new roommates. Everything was provided as far as paper products, staples like coffee, tea sugar, towels, basic toiletries and so forth. I had spot in the fridge designated for my food. While living here I did yoga on a roof top in Venice right on the ocean while staring at a massive Jim Morrison mural on the neighboring building, I went on movie picnics at the Hollywood cemetery, I went to my first and only party in the Hollywood Hills and I met a man that as soon as our eyes met I just knew was going to be in my life… (that is a whole other story). There is way more to the commune then I am writing now but let just say that it was a magical time. I didn’t even smoke the pot that was sold out of an antique dresser in the side hallway! Hahaha…

But after six months in the commune when tensions were incredibly high and as some were preparing costumes and floats for Burning Man, I decided it was time to leave the nest that I so appreciated and look for somewhere new.

5th and Rose Ave. I moved about 3 minutes west of Penmar and 5 block from the Pacific Ocean in cool house in the best location. In 2006 Venice was still an artist community and had a very transient vibe. Rose Ave was lined with well lived in R.V.’s with license plates from all over the country. Right on my corner was a little store called La Fiesta Brava and it made the BEST guacamole in town. Just to the east a few blocks right before you got to Lincoln Blvd. (I would never live east of Lincoln 😉) was La Cabana. This place had the BEST margaritas! All within a few blocks was the best guacamole, margaritas, Ground Works coffee that made a delicious cup of coffee and sold homemade licorice, Whole Foods and Rose Cafe. The best part is that when I would wake up I would stroll down to the beach with coffee in hand and watch the dolphins swim with the surfers. My three roommates were all formers dwellers of Venice Vibe Tribe. Once was a musician, another a chiropractor and the other was a barista with side job at a radio station. It was good times as well. This place was a much more laid back or maybe I should say much quieter version of the commune. Still too poor to afford a place of my own so close to the ocean I needed roommates. This place worked well until I had the urge to move again. This time north to San Francisco. But I am not done with Venice Beach yet as I’ll return a couple of years later.

To be continued..

~L

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
“I don’t much care where –”
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”

― Lewis Carroll